The Hysteroscopy

The Eastern Clinic is highly efficient. I saw them for the first time last week, and there I was on the OR table yesterday, nary a week later, undergoing a hysteroscopy.

But their efficiency doesn't end there. They told me to arrive at 9AM for a 9:30AM procedure. That's sorta typical. But I actually woke up on the OR table, snoring, at 9:30, completely done. Is that crazily efficient or what?

So one of the good doctors swung by my cozy reclining chair/bed when I was all done and said that there was something pressing into my uterus that was too large to remove and, yes, it would probably cause some implantation problems. But they didn't know if it was a fibroid or adenomyosis. I would THINK that if it were a fibroid that it would have shown up on the ultrasound last week. But they didn't mention anything at that time. So my vote is that it's adenomyosis. It's not something I WANT to vote for, but it just seems to make sense.

So I have an appointment for a followup and then I'll be scheduled for a transvaginal surgery to remove whatever it is that is impinging on my uterine cavity space. Ugh.

So I don't think I'll be cycling next month. Maybe the next month, unless it's the adenomyosis....and then all bets are off.

This makes me nervous. I'm 44. It's not like I have a lot of time to sit around and do a shitload of procedures. Let's get started already, ya know?

Stay tuned.

Big Apple BluesCD3

"D" and I moved to Jersey City about 4 weeks ago. He got transferred here...so we're holed up in corporate housing for another month while we search frantically to find our own place. But...that's another story.

I went to my new Manhattan clinic yesterday for the first time. I adore my new doctor. We'll call him Dr. East since this clinic, and he, are both eastern.

I wasn't able to find my last FSH test result showing that my FSH came in at 10 or so, and I didn't realize until it was too late that I'd handed them the one showing my FSH at nearly 16 (which is their cut off). Of course they wanted to update this figure so they did a blood test for FSH, E2, and MIS (Mullerian Inhibiting Substance, which is supposed to be a much better test of ovarian reserve than is FSH/E2). Fingers crossed that I pass the blood work. I just came out of a bout with strep and was weak, dehydrated, and felt a bit like crap. I tend to test poorly on days like this, I think, due to low blood volume.

Anyways. It wasn't all good. On the table, Dr. East did his wanding, found the dreaded endometriomas on my left ovary (now 2cm large - 3cm and they'd do surgery to remove them), a good number of follicles (he didn't do a count), and then asked me if I'd ever heard of "Adenomyosis", which is a proliferation of endometrium in the uterine layer. Apparently my ultrasound appeared to have found this, and it might explain why I've never gotten pregnant in any of my previous cycles.

Moving right along, he said that he'd like to do a full blown hysteroscopy on me, send a little camera in to make sure that there aren't other functional reasons why I'm not getting preggers, so I'm going in on Monday morning for the procedure.

All I know is that these guys move FAST and I like that. No messing around at all at this clinic. My hat's off to them. I hope they figure out for me once and for all if I should try to cycle again. It would be good for my mind to know where it's all at.

I telephoned the ex today to tell him about the results, but he got off the phone in a hurry. The new GF doesn't care for my calling him, but too bad. I think he has a bit of a right to know why we spent nearly $50,000 and never had a child to show for it.

As I settle into this new life living on the edge of NYC, I wonder if I still have it within me to bear and raise a child. I'm not 100% clear on this. It's just one day at a time. I guess I'll know on Monday if I have any say in this or not.

Ya know?

They have a 16% success rate in women over 40. One of the best I've seen. I've got 5 tries left if they give me the green light.

More on Monday.

Update:
Lab results came in later on today.

FSH 8.15
E2 54.3

It's a go! MIS test results will come in a few weeks from now.

Cleaning House

Moving to NYC in a few weeks and I really don't want to try to transport all of my IF meds through the airport.

Need something?

I've probably got it.

Reasonable $$ too.

Sperm Donation: On Donor Profiles

When you're in the market to buy sperm, anonymous or open, you can nearly always pay a fee to download a profile. California Cryobank, as of today, charges $17 to download what they call their "long profile". It contains SAT scores, medical information, and a few extra details outside of the short (free) profile.

One has to wonder how truthful these profiles really are. How many of these 20-something men really know their ethnicity or family's medical history accurately enough to convey it to women trying to conceive? These guys are being paid about $100 a shot (sorry) for their sperm and what is the incentive to spend hours filling out medical history forms in order to do this? "Grandma, I need your medical history so I can donate sperm and get $100 a load. Can you please help me out?" I'm sure these conversations rarely happen and so I have to question to validity of the data that these donors provide.

One donor, whose information I paid for, when asked why he was donating honestly said that he was doing this for the money, plain and simple. I appreciate his honesty. I really do. But I'm a prospective buyer and I would plan on buying the entire packet of information for my child, and in there my child would read that their genetic father donated sperm for money.

For money.

At least adopted children have a better story than that. So my child would be greeted with the idea that the impetus for their existence amounted to little more than a couple hundred dollars in their father's pocket?

I am sorry but no matter how good the donor looks on paper, I would never want my child to read something so base, so unfeeling as that, for the reason for their existence.

Another donor that I considered, because the clinic said that he was quite attractive, said that he had smoked pot EVERY DAY from 1999 to 2006. The profile showed that he applied to be a donor in 2007. Oh really. So he decided to stop smoking COMPLETELY in 2007 just so he could donate sperm? Seriously, we're supposed to believe this? THC, the active ingredient in pot, is absorbed by the fat in one's body, and can wreak havoc in the body for a period after one has ceased to smoke. And so when I give my child THIS donor's profile, and s/he asked, "Gee mom, why did you pick this donor when he was a druggie?" what on earth would I say? Scratch this one, too.

After reading profile after profile, paying $17 for numerous profiles, I realized what a gimmick this sperm bank crap was. They really need to do drug testing and make a subscription model so that us prospective parents can do a thorough screening of the sperm donors.

I don't trust these young men's profiles. They're being paid. They're anonymous. I question their motives. There's no accountability or liability should they have lied that known genetic mutations run amuk in their families. And most of them probably don't know the difference between Serbian and Slovakian when citing their ethnicities.

It's so scary to be in the position of having to rely on donor sperm to become a parent. Truly, it is. I applaud Sweden and other EU counties for doing away with anonymous donor sperm and only hope that the U.S. will wise up and follow suit.

The Day After: On Sperm & Psychics

So, I canceled myself yesterday and amazingly today I feel a lot better than I thought that I would. The racing pulse has diminished - not totally gone - but I am in better condition today than I thought I would be.

I have 21 days until my appointment with the doctor at the Island clinic back east. That will be after my next CD1, so I am thinking of moving the appointment forward, to before my next CD1 so that I can be prepared to get started again, if that is what I choose to do.

I don't think that I can do donor sperm unless it's totally open. So I'm not sure how this is all going to work out, or if it will.

My ex-DH's new GF, who is supposedly psychic, said that I will get my baby but...drum roll...that I am lonely. Hmm...I wonder if psychics see a snapshot, a moment of loneliness, or is it a continuum that she sees? Would any of you decide not to be a mother if you knew that the end result was loneliness? I'm not sure I believe what she says, but a girl at a company I worked for 3 companies back said that I was going to have twins: one boy and one girl. So fraternal twins at that.

Interesting stuff.

I wish I could believe. I really do.