To Cycle or Not to Cycle

At 11am today, we were supposed to have a phone chat with Dr. Z's people about what it's like to do a donor egg ccle, and then a second call with a financial person to discuss how fucking expensive it would be to actually do this. But as you would have it, my cell phone was dead, I couldn't find my charger, and I had a client that wanted to see a house for sale at 11:30am. I'm also not really yet to the point of a donor egg sitting well with me. So I guess the gods were trying to tell me to not bother with waiting for the call, and off I went to meet my client.

But my decision day (CD1) is fast approaching. AF is due to arrive on the 19th or 20th, and here we are on the 17th, St. Patrick's Day. I am supposed to decide whether to go with Dr. Next or stick with Dr. Z. And I've only got a few days to do it. Part of me feels that it's a case of "The devil you know is better than the devil you don't know." And I know that Julianna is right on target by saying that if I had gotten pregnant the first time that I'd be convinced that Dr. Z was a god.

Also I know how I responded with the MDF protocol. None of us know how I'll respond with Dr. Next's Long Protocol. Did Dr. Z nail me right the first time around with MDF? Will I be fucking with a good thing going elsewhere? I am utterly torn. I hated being ignored and patronized by Dr. Z's staff. I hated not being able to get ahold of a person on the phone when I was completely screwing up my first injections (think: half of a 75iu vial on the ceiling. Literally.) I think Dr. Z's bedside manner was okay with me...I didn't have many of the same problems that AP and S have had with him. I don't have a huge gripe there. But Dr. Next has amazing bedside manner and I am quite comfortable with him. He returns my emails with phone calls. Imagine that. The office people reply to emails promptly and courteously. I love their small office that is cozy and doesn't leave one feeling "lost in the shuffle" as one does feel at Dr. Z's. If I had to go on atmosphere and bedside manner...I think Dr. Next would win hands down. I guess that the only thing holding me to Dr. Z is that he's done a cycle with me and I produced six pretty good embryos with him. I don't know what Dr. Next's Long Protocol will do for me. Will I only get 2 embryos this time? That would be a $13000 waste and J would probably never let me do another cycle. I wonder if I am even qualified to figure out who to use, because basing who to use on gut feelings feels, well, so unscientific. I don't even know what my gut is saying to me. I have no instincts left at this point.

I do know that I feel a bit tired, I'm not sleeping good since mom came to live with us. I haven't been to the gym since January, not a single yoga class since the last injection cycle. I've been eating my vitamins but I've nearly stopped my daily wheatgrass juice. I've stopped acupuncture all together. I'm eating white sugar (gasp) here and there. I'm not sure why I've ceased my vigilance but I think I'm still mourning the fact that the first IVF didn't take and I'm acting out against myself somehow. I've caught myself thinking more than once, "You did everything under the sun to get pregnant and it didn't work. So why bother?" Pessimism has crept under my skin and it feels a bit toxic. And now that I've rattled off all of my excuses for not doing a cycle, I have to wonder if I am making up excuses for not being able to make a decision? Using my excuses to postpone this decision.

So today, rather than focusing on which doctor I should use, I should focus on whether I should be doing a cycle or not this month. I've had a month off, Dr. Z says there's no data supporting waiting or not waiting longer than two "bleeds" to increase liklihood of conception except that in my case, as he was so kind to mention, we're racing against a clock. If the Japanese study is right in that my FSH should drop as Spring and Summer arrive, maybe one more month off isn't a bad idea. Anyone have any guidance to share with me? I am all ears at this point.

While the jury's out, I'll be restarting my wheatgrass regime in the morning.