Towards Points North

After four nights and five days of LaLa Land, we're finally on our way home, by way of Solvang & Buelton for the night. The last 5 days have been so incredibly busy that I was able to push the failed IVF cycle to the back of my mind for a while. But that was fleeting, temporary. We weren't 80 miles into our trip home, I was just getting settled into our drive to Solvang, when I started thinking about how totally fucked it is that I might not ever be a mother. My life has been unsettled. I've changed careers like some women change shoes (well, save for Holding Pattern, who owns fewer shoes than anyone I know). Having a baby was something I always figured was a sure thing and it would happen when I was ready.

So much for sure things.

The drive started off very quiet. Neither of us were talking much. Mom's hard of hearing and her powers of observation are lacking and she didn't even notice the tears on my face from Calabasas to Santa Barbara. Probably for the best, as there's nothing she can do to console me. I really miss J. I can't wait to get home to him.

We're holed up in the Days Inn in Buelton, which is right across the street from the Green Soup establishment. I resisted ingesting the stuff this time. My mom's bowl was frothy. It literally had bubbles floating on top, so much so that it looked like someone put soap into it. I just couldn't go there. I had a mediocre salad. Yawn. There's so much good food in this area. Why did we have to do the Pea Soup Place? Why?

Before arriving in Solvang Mom tried her best to get me to take her to the Indian casino that is up in these parts...we circled around the casino in the car. It looked way too big. Their parking structure was bigger than the casino itself. It was just too daunting. I couldn't even imagine trying to find parking and then having to figure out how to find the door. And then all of the noise from the slot machines, people smoking, the blue haired ladies in front of the slot machines with their cocktails. I circled the casino and told mom, "Maybe the senior center will take you here..I just can't do it. Sorry." And off to Solvang we drove.

So it's homeward bound tomorrow with planned stops to watch the elephant seals (if they're out), and then Esalen, Nepenthe, and Carmel. If the rain persists, though, we'll take 101 thru Paso Robles, and skip the windy, curving roads of Highway 1. 101 is such a boring drive, but not as bad as the 5.

Tomorrow J and I are going out for dinner and then off to Kiva to sit in a private tub and stare at the stars. It's about the most relaxing thing I can think of doing, save for a massage...and it will be so nice to get some private time with J.

I'm off to read and catch up on everyone's blogs. I hope to stumble onto some good news. Somewhere. Please.