A New Ripple in my Reality

The week has flown by and I've had nary a chance to catch up on my blog reading, or to write. I met with Dr. G on Tuesday for my scheduled U/S...and yes, that fibroid is still there. She said that she chatted with Dr. Moustache and that he "insisted" on my fibroids being removed AND he also insisted that my fallopian tubes be removed. She said she was happy to remove the fibroids but would clamp off my tubes instead. I'm not sure what the difference is, but there you have it.

So as of Tuesday, I will be quite sterilized.

And this both depresses and scares the hell out of me at the same time.

I just read that Millie's ectopic burst and that she lost her tube...damn. Jesus christ.

Welcome, to both of us, to the land of the tubeless.

Okay, so I'm already effectively sterile being that my tubes are blocked. But having my tubes clamped off seems so final. And end to the dream that I might one day get knocked up. Yes, it's also and end to the nightmare that I might have an ectopic one day, but the former dream being shattered really shakes me to my core. I don't feel I've given up, that's not it. But I worry that there might have been just a tiny chance, a smidgeon of a chance, that an egg might one day make its way down that tube and get fertilized.

The hell that is my mind says this. Over and over and over:

"What if the reason the dye didn't flow through my tubes during my chromopertubation test was that they spasmed? It's been know to happen in women....what then? Because once I cut or crimp those tubes there is no turning back. What if there was a tiny chance?"

I've been known to have hope where there is no hope. Just look back on how I latched onto Nurse C's assertation that I might want to do another beta when my first one was less than 1. I latched onto that hope like a scuba diver does onto that regulator. I didn't want to let go of the tiniest bit of hope. I was holding on for dear life.

I feel a bit like that now.

I am so fearful to say, "Enough is enough. Just take them out."

But Dr. G and Dr. R both wound up agreeing with Dr. Moustache...and then Dr. Persian did, too.

So on 6.6.6, instead of throwing our much planned event, "Come as the Devil you are Party", I'll be sleeping blissfully the the local community hospital. They're keeping me over night because Dr. G needs to to a full blown laparotomoy instead of the usual endoscopic laparscopy.

I've already arranged to have a plastic surgeon remove the scar, because we know it will be ugly. This is the 4th cut into this area, and the scar tissue is thick and becoming quite noticeable. But he can't do it til 6 to 12 weeks have passed, so I'll have to live with it for nearly 3 months. Ugh.

I'm not sure how I'm going to react to sterilization, this new ripple in my reality. I do like Susan's points about how it can be a blessing. Thank god there's an upside to all of this.