Vascillating on the Point of Hope

I think Thalia's recapitulation of her dream was contagious. I usually don't remember my dreams but I had an odd one last night that had to do with tomorrow's surgery. It was so tactile, so vivid, that it took me by surprise.

.....

I was on the table in the OR. My lower abdomen was cut open, and cranked open into a rather large rectangle. I was awake and Dr. G asked me to "feel" my tubes where she was going to place the clips. It was a section of tube that was very hard, muscular even. It was kind of white in color.

I laid back down.

Then she poured olive oil into the rectangular hole that was once my abdomen. I understood that this was to keep my organs from forming scar tissue and sticking together.

I thought it odd, but only for a second.

I then jumped off of the table to go and do something. I forget what exactly. It might have been to wash my hands. Then I remembered that I was undergoing surgery and I said to Dr. G, "That probably wasn't a good idea me jumping off of the table like that with this huge whole in my abdomen. My innards might have fallen out!"

I jumped back onto the table. Things faded out from here.

....

Weird.

I am clearly more stressed out from this surgery that I realize.

Maybe I needed more time to process what this surgery would mean to me?

J and I did the Ooh La La yesterday and today I noticed that I had fertile CM this afternoon. Sorry, TMI, I know... But it's a bit late for that, the fertile CM, I mean. I'm on cycle day 18, and I usually get that on day 11 or 12, sometimes as late as day 15. But for for a second I thought, "Hmm....maybe a miracle will happen?", and I realized in that instant that this would be the last time I would ever wonder that.

As I sit here typing this, I realize that I really don't know if I can go through with the fallopian tube clipping portion of my surgery. I just don't know if I can do it. It kills me to think that I will never have this hope again.

God if this isn't 11th hour thinking, I don't know what is.

I stopped writing midpoint to go see J, who was working in the garage at this late hour. I held him and told him that I can't stomach the idea of becoming officially sterilized. That I wasn't sure if I could go through with tomorrow. He held me for what seemed like forever, let me cry till I was all cried out.

I know this is just insane hope for something so far fetched, so "out there", that it's essentially hopeless. But yet I hope.

Is there a cure for this?

Afer seeing the fertile CM I wonder if I can do the chromopertubation test (where they force dye though your tubes to see if they're open). There's a one in a billion chance that it worked this time, yet I have hope. It's just insanity. Why can't I be logical with this? I am normally quite capable of being logical to the point that AA calls me "Logical Linda" when I'm in my typical form.

Truly. I am hopeless in thinking that I can ever get pregnant with these tubes but I really can't see to let go of the idea.

I am going to talk to my Dr. G's nurse in the AM. In this moment, heart aching over this, I honestly think I am going to tell her that if Dr. G doesn't find the smallest trace of hydrosalpinx in my tubes that I want to keep them.

For some reason, a reason that I can't wrap my mind around, I need that hope.

I'm not sure why, but I don't know if I can stand to be without it.

Even if it means I might run the risk of an ectopic, I don't think I can stand to live out the rest of my fertile (major sic) days without hope, even if it is misguided.

We had dinner tonight with a good friend and her ex BF. She, DL, said that she had a friend that had gotten pregnant naturally at 42, and again at 46. Yes, naturally. My heart sank for myself. I felt even shittier for not being immediately happy for that women who was lucky to have two successful, natural, births in her 40's.

I ate the rest of my dinner lost in thought...

Even if it be ever elusive, I want to have hope. I know that my right tube is blocked, and that the left one is mostly blocked.

How to let go of this hope and move on?

I'm just not sure how it's done.

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I don't know what decision I'll come to tomorrow, but I know it's going to be made on the spot. J has medical power of attorney over me, so I pray we can both live with whatever decision he has to make, if it came to that.