Fancy Models

I had a transaction close escrow today and I customarily pay for a Home Warranty for my buyers as a closing present. These buyers didn't want a Home Warranty, so I had to come up with something tasteful and apropos, and quickly.

"J" said that since they bought a loft The Walnut Factory that I should get them something with walnuts. So off I went. I bought a nice French red at The Wine Cellar in Los Gatos, a couple of sheer wine bags at Fiore (?), filled them with English walnuts from Lunardi's (also picked up a basket here), and a nice set of walnut paraphenelia from Sur La Table. I added in a personalized note card, some pretty blue shredded paper and Viola! a gift was had.

So when I was in Lunardi's perusing the basket section, I caught a slightly older man checking me out. He was kind of Latin looking, very dark eyes and hair, very pale skin, maybe Spanish, had a Gypsy look about him that is rather obvious if you know the look, very handsome. He smiled at me. A very warm, inviting smile. Bright eyes. I smiled back. If I were single I would have seen where this would have led. For some reason I was looking nice today, a flush in my cheeks, a new shirt from JS, but beyond that I don't know what was different. I noticed myself thinking, "I wonder if he would be attracted to me if he knew that I was infertile?" and that set me down a mental path, that continued until I got home.

So as I perused the baskets and paid for my purchases, I pondered the whole idea of whether it would really matter to a man if a woman was fertile or not, capable of bearing young, when accessing her "attractivenes" or "date worthiness". Let's face it. We're animals. The instinct to breed is inherent in us. There are things that are so ingrained into our biology, hardwired, if you will, that we don't even realize that we're controlled by our biology.

Men are by their very nature attracted to women with large breasts and full hips. We say, "It's sexy", but these physical characteristis are also indicative of a women who has ample fat on her body in order to ovulate and sustain a pregnancy. Too much fat and her fertility drops. Too little and she doesn't ovulate. The woman that falls in between these two extremes is both attractice to the opposite sex, and more likely to be fertile.

Males don't think when they see such a woman, "Wow, she's curvy and has large breasts. She's likely fertile and can breed successfully. Whoa, that really gets me hot!" They just get the visual cue and biology takes over on their behalf. Such is the nature of hardwiring.

So what happens when if a man sees a woman that for all visual purposes LOOKS like a fertile female, but she tells him, "I'm infertile. I cannot have children." What then? Does that cinch his libido in the bud? We humans like to say that we can have sex for the sake of sex, purely and simply, but I wonder if there might be, on some deeper, more primal level, an inherent, subconscious need to breed that can actually be fucked with if we have knowledge of someone's infertility? Remember: we're animals. We have a biological imperative to breed. Can we separate mind from biological predisposition?

I haven't asked "J" of his thoughts on this. In a way I'm a bit afraid to ask him. I have had one lover in my life that had a vasectomy. He called himself a "fancy model" in that he "shot blanks". We were together for 4 years or so, at a time in my life when I kind of wanted children but there wasn't a sense of desperation as there is now. But for me, at this time in my life, I did feel, at the deepest level of my consciousness that there was something different about having sex with him.

These was no possibility of having our lovemaking create a baby. Late periods were devoid of anticipation, anxiety, wonder, and hope.

I can't help but think that there must be a similar current in men's feelings. And if there is, I am not sure what having that knowledge would do to me.