CD11: Gobs of Fertile CM...Improvement?

J and I are in Monterey for the NYE First Night Celebration. We're both on Flagyl and Zithromax for Dr. Hungarian's tx, so we can't drink anyways. But sober people on NYE aren't quite as, well, fun as a bunch of inebriated folks. They just aren't. So it's another (yawn) boring NYE for the IF couple. I think this is my fifth year doing this gig. If I had a bathing suit I'd go to the Plaza and get a "polish change" and use their penthouse jacuzzi for the entire day watching the sea otters. Alas, there is no way in hell this Bologna Butt is getting into any such vestement.

So here's the scoop: Yesterday I nearly screamed when I saw a huge glob of red tinged fertile CM on my TP. I'm not sure why on day 10 I'm still spotting...but I was. TMI? Yes. But it's kind of significant because it's been going on for nearly three days. Three days of the stretchy stuff. Dr. Hungarian would say this is ominous that his treatment is working. If it weren't for my absent tubes, I'd be fertile as all hell. My gawd.

So we're in the midst of an entire month of Zithromax and Flagyl and I'm having second thoughts about doing that Cyclin E/P27 endometrial test that they do over at Yale. I think I'm going to plunk down the $459 and just do it. I'd had to think that we overlooked something.

What else? Had friend with a non-IF buddy the other day who I haven't seen all year long. She asked how the IF journey was going. I told her we've blown something like $35,000 trying to have a baby this last year and she DID IT. She said the bad thing.

Why don't you just adopt?

Yep. She said it. It rolled off of her tongue like a marble.

I don't have to tell you the sound of silence that ensued after those fateful words. A long deadness. Then I said, "J doesn't want to." We talked a bit more about adoption, and how an Asian baby for J is totally out of the question as he feels it is hard enough for the child to be adopted but to never be able to "get away" with it is just too much. I understand that. I'm adopted. My mother adopted me when she was 47 and I was 11 months old. Everyone assumed she was my grandmother. Hell, she's my grandfather's sister so that's a safe assumption. But we were never able to "get away with it". My fact of being adopted was always pushed in my face and in hers. So adopting a child that looks nothing like either of us just propagates this for another generation. I know how that child would feel. I've BEEN that child. Enuf said on that.

But the shock that yet another friend didn't have the awareness that one doesn't JUST ADOPT. At least for us we don't. For us it would symbolize the end of hope for a child of our own.

I still dream and get teary thinking of our blonde baby with it's daddy's beautiful blue eyes. Of how J's careful heart will melt into a shimmery blob when he holds his child.

We're just not ready to stop hoping. I wish our friends would hope along with us. You know?