Blessed Cursed with a Good Memory

I'm one of those strange cookies that remembers the details of my life with a bit too much detail. Sometimes I even dream and awake with perfect clarity of the details, remembering smells, textures, colors, etcetera. Dreams are sometimes a little too vivid for me and, on occasion, I awake and am not sure where the dream leaves off and reality begins.

But it has been pointed out to me a few times in my life by friends, coworkers, and family, that I have a knack for remembering details, events. One of my supervisors, many many years ago, was rather frustrated when I challenged him with the details of a raise that he had long ago promised my trust coworker, JS, and myself. My recollection was so precise, quoting him nearly verbatim, that he whined, "...you and that damned memory of yours!!" We wound up with a raise, but nothing like that which was promised.

Having a great memory also proved useful in college for remembering human bones, noble & diatomic gases, the cranial nerves of the head, organic & biochemical reactions, handy phrases in Egyptian, Japanese, and Vietnamese that I'll never need to know, yet they are stuck in my head. Permanently. Why on earth do I need to know how to ask for a "key" in Japanese? I have no idea but it's burned into memory. I aced my pre-med courses thanks to a good memory. How else is it done, really?

I remember with uncanny clarity people that have come into my life. Places we visited, things we did. Most of all I remember situations or events. Where each person sat or was standing, what they wore, the exact sound of their voices in particular situations, the words they used, the expressions on their faces be it happy or sad. The smell of their cologne or of a room. I am not so good with sequencing events (or remembering people's names), but if left for a while to sit and brew, I can piece everything together into a chain of events, and sometimes even the names come back to me.

It's wonderful to remember good times with people who are still a part of my life. Happy memories that I can linger over and relive. But there's a dark side to having a good memory.

I remember all too clearly those that have disappeared from my life, and where memories are conflicted with good and not so good, the conversations and situations that preceded our parting are memories that I wish I could bury at times. They're just too vivid, too painful. They singe and burn. I guess I can't have a good memory only for the purpose of recounting the positive events in my life though. But sometimes the memory is just too intense and I wonder if I would be better off without such "total recall".

I've wondered if part of the reason for this memory curse is that I have always kept in touch with people I've met throughout my life. My DH, like many, does not keep connections with anyone from the past, whether schoolmates, old coworkers, old flames, etc. I have never been that way. I've always felt a need to stay connected with people that made marks or impressions in my life. If the person was valuable enough to me, say, 15 years ago that at that point I spent years of quality time with them, time out of my very short life, well then why on earth would I suddenly behave as though they didn't exist? I shared many years of my life with them. To shun them is to ignore that part of my very finite life. Many people grow apart, and that's fine to do so, but we're all together in this common experience called life and it just seems so strange, to me, that people try to erase everything. As if it didn't happen.

So in the last few weeks I contacted a few people that I hadn't talked to or seen in a few years. I just had to. Call it a lupron-induced mania if you will, but I had to do it. I always wonder if these people are truly happy to hear from me, or if they wonder why the heck this person is writing, calling, emailing me out of the blue? Are they possessed by their memory as am I?

Is my memory is the result of my unwillingness to let the past disappear into the ether? Am I purposefully staying in touch with people in an effort to not forget? Or am I helpless, a slave to this memory thing, and as a result of it I have no other option but to stay in touch with people from long ago?

I wish I knew.

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On the infertility front, our U/S is scheduled for Thursday morning. Two days away. Hopefully that nasty cyst has disappeared and we can move forward with stims. All I know is I do NOT want to be told, "Oh just come back in another week. That'll be $500."