Two Days to LupronOr...Is this a Midlife Crisis?

Picking up the brown evil little vial of lupron tomorrow from Dr. Pompy's office. Our appointment is for noon. I get my bottle and J has to leave a sample of his pollywogs for analysis. He said he's bringing his new Mac Powerbook as it's chock full of porn, the links of which no ART office has ever seen. J knows from experience how dismal the porn can be at an ART office. Dr. Moustache's office had an old VCR that made navigating to "select" scenes a one handed nightmare. But I said to J, "What are you going to do? Balance your nifty new laptop on your lap while you have at it? What if it slips off and crashes to the floor in the heat of the excitement? Won't you be pissed?" He didn't think of that. I wonder if he'll still bring it tomorrow?

I'm feeling restless. I'm feeling pessimistic about this cycle. Honestly, I feel pessimistic about every cycle. My mother said to me just a few minutes ago, "You don't seen to want a baby as much as last cycle?" "WHAT??" I nearly screamed. "What makes you think this cycle is any different from the last cycle?" But maybe she's right. I think I am more pessimistic. Who wouldn't be? God help me. Just today I had a lender come to my house...a lender that wants to buddy up with me for mutual business dealings. I told him I haven't been working much because we're on IVF cycle number 3. He tells me that he knows where I'm coming from and that he and his wife did 7, yes seven, cycles of IVF before quitting and moving on to adoption. My god. SEVEN. I can't even imagine. But my girlfriend LL is preggers right now and it was her 7th IVF. Maybe three is NOT the charm. Maybe seven is the new three? Who the hell knows.

But I am restless. I am planning for what happens when the BFN comes. How can I not? I think of how the BFN will come. J will take the call this time. I can't stand the tension of waiting for that phone call. When it comes I will book my trip to Stuttgart to see AA, my best guy friend. I wonder how long I'll go for. Do I come back and do a last IVF? Do I stay long enough to train over to France? Italy? How long does it take to heal from all of this? What am I coming home to? I have itchy feet. I miss AA. He's alone in Germany. A Huntington Beach native, close to my heart is that area where I used to live. He took a job at "Big Blue" outside of Stutgart. Rented an apartment from a fellow "Big Blue" worker who departed to places far. Rented the apartment full of furniture. It's big, furnished, but lonely. He's a fish out of water. Depressed. Lonely. I feel like that right now. Misery loves company and the price of company is about $500 roundtrip if I book soon enough. I don't plan to go to make him more miserable, but I think in our respective miseries we'll find some cheer, some light in the bleakness of a German winter. I'll drag his silly ass off to Zermatt if I have to, stap a snowboard onto his feet while he complains at how cold it is.

Just realized today that some of my Gonal F has expired. This cycle just got a bit more expensive. Ugh.