Stims Day 9 To our Partners: What NOT to do/say when your mate is jacked up on Lupron

I don't know what it is, but every cycle "J" and I get into huge-assed rip roaring fights. Well, actually, I "do" know what it is. It's the lupron. It's the most fucking evil drug on the planet next to steroids and birth control pills, of the latter two, the former makes me gain weight and the latter lose my libido.

Personality wise, I am somewhat sociopathic. I don't tend towards huge highs and lows in emotions. I'm a little disassociated in some ways and I catch myself under-reacting in some situations. In college A&P it was discovered that I'm one of those rare breeds that can totally fool a lie detector test. You know, the ones that you hook up to your heart, finger tips, and brain waves? We're not talking "rinky dink" lie detector tests here but the real enchilada. What's further odd is that the same test blips if I tell the truth. Analysis: it causes me more anxiety to tell the truth than it does for me to lie. Something about "being vulnerable" and sharing the "real me" makes that little needle bounce along on the chart paper. But I digress only to show you a bit about "the me before lupron".

Back to lupron.

So here I am on day 9 of stims, day 10 of lupron. I'll say that at this point the lupron definitely has had time to "kick in". We are seeing the ill effects of what this drug can do. Or are we?

I really think that if I lived in a vacuum for the entire cycle that I'd be just fine. It's not me, it's YOU, and by YOU I don't mean you, my gentle reader, but those people that I actually see on a daily basis. And it doesn't even include everyone I see on a daily basis. I see people at work. They are fine. They are oblivious to what I am going through and don't get off on pushing my lupron buttons. It's the people, actually, who are closest to me that get the most joy out of tormenting me.

So this morning, after my sequence of three injections (lupron, follistim, and lovenox) I decided that someone needed to write a guide as to what NOT to say or do to a person who is under the influence of lupron.

I hope that you'll share your ideas with me as to what could be added to this list, as I'm sure there are many items I'll overlook.

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Idiot's Guide to the Woman Who is Under the Influence of Lupron

1. No major life decisions should be made while said women is cycling. Please don't decide that NOW is the time that that you need to buy a house and then put the entire onus of looking for one on us.
   
2. If you want something for dinner, there's the stove and the food is in the cupboard. Help yourself.
   
3. If you don't like what we are cooking for dinner, see #2.
   
4. Lupron and steroids make some of us randy. Don't walk around the house naked, taunting us with that furry thing of yours, unless you're a ready and willing play partner.
   
5. If you get into a fight, don't retort, after 8 fucking days of stims, that "Maybe we shouldn't be having a baby!" unless you want us to draw 8 days worth of follistim, lupron, menopur and lovenox into 48 syringes and cram them into your soft, pliable body.
   
6. When the IVF Clinic receptionist tells you that "Yes, you have ICSI included in your treatment. That is why there's an extra $600 charge here", just pay the damned bill. You can talk about it on the way home. By no means are you to start a heated discussion about whether or not you agreed to this in front of this poor strange woman.
   
7. Ask questions about her cycle if you aren't already going to each and everyone of her appointments. If you do neither, don't be surprised when she chews your head to a bleeding stump after a question like, "So what's lupron for?" or "Oh, you didn't tell me retrieval was next week? It's kind of late to take time off." WTF?
   
8. Do not under any circumstances comment on what we am eating, the quantity of it, or how many calories, grams of fat, or carbohydrates it might contain. We are on steroids AND lupron and it's an evil combination. (Okay, you're only on steroids if you're an immune patient like me).
   
9. Do not make the "bloated cheeks" look when we are eating something you disapprove of or a quantity that makes you wonder.
   
10. Do not ask how much weight we've gained since starting our cycle.
    
11. Do not grab any part of our body that jiggles and make it jiggle more, just for the fun of it. It's not cute and it might get you killed.
    
12. Do not look at pretty thin women on the street in our presence. We're feeling enraged and bloated as it is. Why tempt fate?
    
13. When your partner is upset that her hair is falling out due to taking steroids, do not point to your own receding hair line and try to "one up" her with, "Welcome to my world". If you took genetics, you'll know that male pattern baldness is for MEN.
    
14. Do not compare your job stress to hers while she is strung out on lupron. (courtesy of MLO). No chick expects to lose her hair. Ever.
    
15. Realize that the person you are seeing right now is not who we usually are and suck it up. Get over it already.
    
16. Do.Not.Ever.Tell.Us.To.Relax.
    
17. Do not ever tell us, or anyone in our vicinity, that "IVF isn't excruciating...she's a champ at this!". How the fuck would you know?
    
18. Don't ask compound questions.
    
19. Don't ask stupid questions. No, really. Think about what it is that you are going to say before you say it. Play it over in your head a few times. If there's any chance that it't going to piss us off, reword it, or just scrap it entirely. Get an arbitrator if you just can't say anything nice.
    
20. Lesson: Lupron keeps ovarian follicles from bursting and thereby ruining a cycle. If you are told, "Honey, we need to be home at blah-blah time so I can do my injection", reassure your partner that you'll be home with ample time for the shot come hell or high water. Set the female's mind at rest at all times.
    
21. On retrieval day: You will gladly leave for the ART Clinic as early as the female asks you to. You will not argue, "It only takes an hour to get there". If she wants to leave three hours early, you leave three hours early. If you're really kind, suggest getting a hotel near the clinic the night before so that the morning ride won't be a white knuckle ride.
    

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Got any other suggestions for this list? Aww, come on, I know you do.