9DP3DT - 14DP Trigger

Beta is in two days and those POAS things are still serving up perfectly white backgrounds. I have them all taped up on the bathroom mirror, from left to right, and marked with how many days past transfer I am at. The embryos are 12 days old today, and as Thalia pointed out they may take 5 to 10 days to implant. We're presently outside this range and, yes, they could have implanted at day 10. Possible, but statistically most people are going to implant towards the middle of that curve. Thank you to Tonya for pointing out that her little boy was a beta of 15 on her official beta day. We don't hear enough stories like hers. I wish more women would post the "my beta as so low they didn't think we'd make it, but...." sort of story to offer up hope.

I'm sure it sounds like I'm obsessing over my results. But for me it is more of the anthropologist, data-collecting, part of me that sits down here and writes out what is happening each day. It's actually easier for me, psychologically, to test each day and see a negative POAS than it is to build hope for two weeks and see it all come crashing down at once. J and I were laying in bed this morning and I mentioned that I just didn't feel pregnant. He sighed and reached out and put a hand on me. I asked him if he remembered how utterly destroyed I felt after our first IVF failure. I literally sobbed on the phone when the nurse called with the "I'm sorry...." phone call.

I don't have any illusions at this point. If it's another failure, there will be tears, but no sobbing. There's a huge loss of innocence with that first failure that an IF just can't fathom til she's been through it. Everyone thinks they'll get pregnant the first time. There's a bit of that naiveness in some of the subsequent cycles. A bit of hope dies with each loss such that each failure gets easier and easier. We IF tend to get a bit jaded after this many attempts and failures.