Waiting on Enbrel

Starting this enbrel business hasn't been a walk in the park. After my second shot I came down with a lovely case of "nether region-itis" that was so severe that it took 4 doses of diflucan and two boxes of the dreaded white waxy crap to get rid of it. I only started feeling better yesterday so I'll likely pop another pill just to make sure the critters are at bay.

Dr. Google says that this is typical crap "that I must endure" when taking enbrel. What's more, I had a pretty good injection site reaction going on that made me wonder if I was indeed allergic to the mouse proteins in the injection. Injection site number 2 turned into a red blotchy triangle with 4" long sides. I shit you not. It nearly consumed all of Q3 on my lower abdomen. It came up about 4 days after the 2nd injection so it was immediate. Injection number three produced a faint, itchy, oval shaped blotch about 3" or so in its longest dimension. Both are basically gone, but they bruised quite well before starting to exit.

So there's not a whole lot to report on my IF journey at this point. I inject my enbrel weekly. I eat mass quantities of folic acid (folgard and the predigested form), fish oil, and other random vitamins....when I can remember. My BMI is stable and low. So I stay on my good behavior and I wait. And wait. I guess I should wait another two months before attempting another IVF cycle in order to really make sure that the NKs in my uterus are dead and buried. If I was really doing things right, I'd order an endometrial biopsy to doublecheck. But god those hurt. What IS it with doctors who say, "Well there aren't any nerve endings in your uterus|cervix|whatever." They're on crack if they think we can't feel it when they suck out flesh from our uterus or scrape us to death during a pap. On crack. And, if you've gone through the endo biopsy before, you'll likely agree that after that torment, here's nothing like SEEING chunks of your flesh packed into a clear container, bobbling around as you walk it to pathology. Ick, ick, ick.

So I'm waiting. Sort of patiently. In the last few weeks I've spent a bit of time with a friend and his two very small children. It's clear that he and the missus are both frazzled to death by their two children, mostly due to lack of sleep but also, I reckon, because they both work from home, telecommuting, and it seem that they have a hard time getting work done while the little whippersnappers are running around. They have nannies up the ying-yang, but unless the nannies take said children off of the premises it doesn't really do much to keep the noise levels down.

Let's just say that such experiences while I am waiting for the next cycle to begin make me wonder if I really want to sign on for this. I know that, personally speaking, I'm in a transitory phase in my life. J doesn't want to do another IVF with me. Heck, I don't know if J will be living here, in the same house as I, from one day to the next. While the shit-fan spews forth it's mess, I'm trying to get hired on at a new company F/T so there will be some stability in my life. And then I think, "My god. Why am I trying to get pregnant? My life is anything but normal, stable, and child-proof!!" Seriously folks, there's a part of me deep down inside that really wants a child in my life, but today...today...I can't seem to find that part.

I'll keep shooting the enbrel in the meanwhile. It's good for my psoriasis, which is on the decline, and if I wind up finding that part in me that wants to do the next IVF cycle I'll be ready on the immune front as well.

Until then, I think I may join Coloratura in the upper west side for a few days of museums, walking, wining & dining, and trying to catch glimpses of our favorite locals.