CD6: Canceled

I've been having anxiety attacks over this cycle.

I have been waking up at 4AM many nights unable to get back to sleep. My pulse has been racing for weeks. Literally WEEKS. I'm not exaggerating either. It has been horrible. I typically have very low blood sugar and when my BP came back at 110 over 70 the other day (rather than my typical 90/65 on an empty stomach) I knew that I was just going over the edge with this.

I guess I should fess up here.

I was prepared to do this cycle with donor sperm. My last partner and I broke up and he refused to donate for me. Left without options, I reserved a vial of anonymous sperm. But in the end, I just couldn't do the anonymous thing. I grew up not knowing my father and not meeting him until I was in my 30's. I realized that I was about to potentially put a child through the same hell that I went through.

I couldn't do it.

Why this reality didn't hit me earlier? I'm not sure. But in the last few days it came crashing down on me and the stress was overwhelming me.

I woke up today and decided that I couldn't go forward with this cycle. So I called the cryogenic lab and canceled the sperm delivery. The young man (gah!) on the other phone asked me why I wasn't using their sperm. I nearly sobbed into the phone and just managed a "my cycle is being canceled". Then I phoned the IVF clinic and reached the bitch nurse and told her I'd decided to cancel this cycle. She didn't ask me any questions about "why" I'd chosen to do this. She knew. Nor did she offer me any apologies for the crap that happened (which I haven't written about because it's too terrible to write about), just a "we'll be billing you a $500 cancellation fee" and that was it.

I won't be returning to this clinic despite their great rates with women my age. I have an appointment on the East Coast at a clinic that is one notch lower than the IVF shrine of the Rocky Mountains (we all know this place, yes?). I'm meeting with a doctor there the end of April but I might move the date up a bit sooner so I can get the next cycle on board. They said they would let me cycle right up to my 46th birthday, so there is a shred of hope. A shred. I'm not done yet, I can promise you that much.

This is a very sensitive topic, anonymous sperm donation. And this cycle had a lot of twists and turns that I haven't written about and some of them will have to remain private, perhaps forever. I hate being private, I am the queen of TMI, but because this involves others I'll bite my tongue. I could write volumes on the emotional ramifications of anonymous sperm donation and I probably will at some point. But right now I am sad for the loss of this cycle, the 9 follicles that aren't going to represent any sort of hope for me to become a mother this month.

I'll dig into this another time.