Rude Awakening

I went to bed with a terrible stomach ache. It's been a stomach ache that has been building for a week or so. I'm not sure what it was but last night it was pretty bad.

And then AF woke me up in the middle of the night. Usually I get a pretty good warning but not this time.

Thank god she's here. I wanted this fucking failed cycle to be OVER.

So now the question is whether I get my FSH tested to see if it's still elevated from the 2 back to back cycles...or if I just take an ENTIRE month off from "collecting data" and get ready for IVF#8 in 4 week's time.

I sorta want to know if the elevated FSH is persisting, but then I sorta don't want to know.

The scientist in me usually persists. So on Monday I'll probably zip over to Dr. Italian's at lunch to get a blood draw. (I'd go there because if I go to the other clinic they do their draws between 7 and 8AM and that's just too bloody early, pun intended, to get on a train on a Monday morning).

I do fully intend on leaving Dr. Italian's clinic though. I did like having him as a "fall back" clinic in the case that the other clinic cancels me for a cyst, but as we've proved, draining a cyst doesn't always work, neither does sclerotherapy for endometriomas. I feel that I would be more successful staying at the old clinic.

So, a potential blood test on Monday...then a month long wait in which I hope to get some of this steroid weight off.

Speaking of which, I can't tell you how affected I was by steroids these last two cycles. OMFG. Lupron is bad, but these little bad boys are a very close second.

I am thankful to be off of them. I finally feel a lot more like myself. I came "this close" to making some rather rash decisions while on 'roids these last two months. I am glad that it's over. For now.

Serendipity

I never knew my biological father growing up as my mother saw fit to never tell him that I was born. When she found herself pregnant with me, she casually mentioned to him that, "There's the possibility that I am pregnant." My father, being the controlled skeptic that he is, said, "OK, let's wait and see." She was offended that he didn't wed her on the spot and she ran off. She didn't want to give birth and actually tried to find someone to abort me. Failing at that, she flew to California where she left me with her Aunt, my Great Aunt. I never knew my father, but I knew OF him and spent countless hours in the university basement going through microfische phone books, looking for my father. I found him 6 years after I left college, when I was 31 or 32 years old and flew out a week later to meet him and my family.

My newfound family welcomed me with open arms. They could have been skeptical but apparently when I got off of the plane, my aunt said that I was the spitting image of my father. From then on, no one questioned that I was my father's daughter. The feeling of belonging that meeting them made my heart melt. They even made me a cake with frosting that said, "Welcome Linda" on it. I shed tears of joy at how open they were to my coming into their lives.

There was one cute little girl at this party: my niece. She was all of 3 years old at the time and very shy. Cute bouncy, curly hair. Adorable. While I remember her as clear as a bell, I know she doesn't remember the meeting.

Fast forward 15+ years. She and I just reconnected on Facebook and spend a large portion of each night writing back and forth to each other, sharing what is going on in our lives. I am enjoying getting to know her immensely.

She's pretty, very intelligent looking, likes to wear squarish glasses like me, and very tattooed which gives her a bit of an edginess. She's passionately vegan and wants to open a business one day that lets her interact with this community.

In our discussions I shared with her my trials with infertility and how I'm going to try until I can't try anymore.

She replied back with, "Have you considered getting a surrogate maybe?" I explained that while I would love to use a surrogate, that I'm hesitant to. I worry about someone changing their mind, about someone holding the child hostage for more money, about them disappearing right before the birth only for me to never see them again and my child is lost forever. I know these thoughts are irrational. But they persist.

She wrote back and said the most amazing thing to me.

She said she would love to be my surrogate.

MY SURROGATE.

This cute little bouncy niece of mine, who I have met once, has offered to try to carry a child for me.

I am stunned by her lack of fear of the process, by her sheer generosity. Of course I wanted to say yes and start planning things on the spot, but this is serious business. She is 19, this will change her body, this will be her first pregnancy.

I told her to think hard on it. That she would need to get a bunch of blood tests and probably go through a uterine check for polyps and septums.

She didn't seem at all disturbed by any of this.

I'm excited, shocked, hopeful. All at the same time. To have a family member carry a child for me is the best I could hope for. She would be offering, attempting, to carry her cousin. How wonderful is that?

I am trying to not get too excited over this. People change their minds. She might change hers. But I hope not.

This is a glimmer of hope that I hadn't dared hope for.

Disintegration

At 10AM sharp today, nurse J emailed me to tell me that my embryos had started to disintegrate. Now seriously, are any of us surprised?

I am still stunned that she really thought that my embryos had any chance of turning around. Two days and no growth and suddenly they're going to have this miraculous growth spurt and divide at twice the speed of a HEALTHY embryo? REALLY? I want some of whatever she is smoking. Nurse J has hereby been renamed Nurse Pollyanna from here on out.

So it's been a day of indulgences: dark chocolate dove ice cream bar, a small lemon coconut tart, chips and salsa for dinner, and a glass of red from my 2004 trip to Bergerac. Of course I'll eat my vitamins later. I'm not THAT careless. :P

Sugar, dairy, alcohol. One day of excess doesn't hurt.

Tomorrow we commence the diet to remove this evil steroid weight.

More Confusion

So I wrote to Dr. Italian last night questioning why I should call their office back today at 10AM to get an embryo report.

Here's what I wrote:

Hi Dr. Italian,

As you know my embryos arrested.

Nurse J told me to call her at 10AM tomorrow to “see if anything changed”.

Six day old embryos with less than 20 cells….would you really transfer them if there IS a change? I can’t imagine my lining would be prepared to “hang around” in the proper state of receptiveness while it waited for these embryos to grow to blast and hatch.

Any thoughts on this?

His reply:

Day 6 lining is fine..we have done many tx on day 6...the limiting factor will be your embryo. if it blasts by tomorrow it is worth transferring, and i have seen it happen enough to know you never give up until the end of day 6.

And me:

Each had 6 and 7 cells today (same as on day 3). If a blast has 70-100 cells, each cell needs to divide 4 times within 24 hours. Is that possible? I can’t seem to find anything online about speed of embryonic cells.

Hoping against hope I stuck a needle of PIO in my hip last night before going to bed.

And Then There Were None

On day 3 I had two grade 2 embryos: 1 at 6 cells, 1 at 7 cells. Anything over 6 is considered "good enough" to progress onto a 5 day transfer.

Today, is day 5. Transfer was due for today at 3:30PM. It's 6:00PM. You can see where this story is going, can't you?

I was at a conference in NYC when the email and call came through from Dr. Italian's office.

Neither embryo divided further. Both arrested at 6 and 7 cells. Transfer was canceled.

The nurse actually told me, "Call me at 10AM tomorrow (Thursday) morning and we'll let you know if anything has changed." I said to her, "Even if both divide and double their cells, they'll be at 12 and 14 cells on DAY SIX. They're still not viable." Let's not even talk about endometrium lining, which would be totally out of sync with a embryo that hasn't even gone morula. Could they do anything to keep my lining squared away until a late transfer? I seriously doubt it. I also doubt that I will subject myself to another fucking shot of PIO in my ass tonight just because the nurse wants to torment me with such silly nonsense.

I canceled my acupuncture appointment. Maybe I should have gone for a stress treatment? I then left my conference early - I'd already told my manager and coworkers that I was leaving for "minor outpatient surgery" and handed off my pass to another coworker who wanted to attend.

I don't know what to think. It's just another fucked up cycle at this clinic. I've had a string of them. For this particular failure, I don't know if I can blame the laboratory, the Dr. Italian for triggering me too early, or what.

But I am done ladies.

I am taking my IVF insurance back to the last clinic to cycle with Dr. Indian at the other famous clinic here in the Big Apple. In October of last year, this other clinic found 4 follicles, retrieved 4 mature eggs, all fertilized, and 3 transferred. This was just six months ago.

Great numbers IMHO. Granted they did a 3 day transfer. Maybe they ALL died on day 4 at the last clinic and I wouldn't be any wiser for it if that was the case. But I'm going back there and I'll ask for 5 day transfers and we'll see. If I do three cycles there and they're as dismal as this, then I'll quit for good. I'll know it's just hopeless. But if my cycles are back to normal with near 100% numbers across the board, then I will know that Dr. Italian's clinic is seriously lacking.

I know my #1 problem is age. I know this. But I'm still making so many good follicles. My FSH is normally quite fine and hovers around 9 save for this cycle when it hit 33, probably due to my doing back to back cycles. (Repeat: I know it's my age).

Outside of my age are bonafide issues though: I do believe without a doubt that Dr. Italian's measurements with the U/S are questionable. 14mm lining cycle after cycle? Maybe. But in October at the other clinic they didn't see that. I also got triggered too early 2 out of 3 cycles and lost ALL of my follicles in one cycle, and 4 in this cycle (2 unretrievable, 2 immature).

So, I'll be swinging by the clinic in a few days to get a full packet of my records and we'll just call it a day. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I'll call Dr. Persian in California tomorrow or on Friday to see if I can squeeze in a Da Vinci lap in the next two weeks or so, too.

I hate how I watch myself planning on "what to do next" (eg, cut out dairy/gluten, lose weight, see Dr. Persian, cycle again). In the last hour, I've cried, I've hugged my cats and have covered them with my tears, but I don't feel like I've emptied myself of this terrible feeling of loss. In the back of my mind I find myself thinking that I should be screaming and pounding on the walls. I should be having a fit of the highest order. It reminds of the feeling of having eaten too full a dinner the night before and you feel full for days afterward, carrying a bloated stomach with you. I feel like I'm literally bloated with pain from this ceaseless cycling and failing. A purge is due.

Fert Report

My clinic just called.

Of the 4 eggs they got, 2 were mature and both fertilized.

So the two lower ones didn't catch up. A day would have helped them.

I'm pissed. I can't help but think I am continually being triggered way too early. If this cycle fails, I'm going to have a heart to heart WTF session with Dr. Italian about this. If he won't push out my triggers a day if I think I need it I'll be moving back to the last clinic in the Big Apple with Dr. Indian (think that is what I called him).

The BF tried to be helpful and offered up, "Well at least you got two."

Not helpful.

Neither is the "it only takes one" comments that always seem to come forth.

What if "my one" was one of the two that wasn't mature?

If that is true, then I'm screwed and this is all for naught.