CD6: Canceled

I've been having anxiety attacks over this cycle.

I have been waking up at 4AM many nights unable to get back to sleep. My pulse has been racing for weeks. Literally WEEKS. I'm not exaggerating either. It has been horrible. I typically have very low blood sugar and when my BP came back at 110 over 70 the other day (rather than my typical 90/65 on an empty stomach) I knew that I was just going over the edge with this.

I guess I should fess up here.

I was prepared to do this cycle with donor sperm. My last partner and I broke up and he refused to donate for me. Left without options, I reserved a vial of anonymous sperm. But in the end, I just couldn't do the anonymous thing. I grew up not knowing my father and not meeting him until I was in my 30's. I realized that I was about to potentially put a child through the same hell that I went through.

I couldn't do it.

Why this reality didn't hit me earlier? I'm not sure. But in the last few days it came crashing down on me and the stress was overwhelming me.

I woke up today and decided that I couldn't go forward with this cycle. So I called the cryogenic lab and canceled the sperm delivery. The young man (gah!) on the other phone asked me why I wasn't using their sperm. I nearly sobbed into the phone and just managed a "my cycle is being canceled". Then I phoned the IVF clinic and reached the bitch nurse and told her I'd decided to cancel this cycle. She didn't ask me any questions about "why" I'd chosen to do this. She knew. Nor did she offer me any apologies for the crap that happened (which I haven't written about because it's too terrible to write about), just a "we'll be billing you a $500 cancellation fee" and that was it.

I won't be returning to this clinic despite their great rates with women my age. I have an appointment on the East Coast at a clinic that is one notch lower than the IVF shrine of the Rocky Mountains (we all know this place, yes?). I'm meeting with a doctor there the end of April but I might move the date up a bit sooner so I can get the next cycle on board. They said they would let me cycle right up to my 46th birthday, so there is a shred of hope. A shred. I'm not done yet, I can promise you that much.

This is a very sensitive topic, anonymous sperm donation. And this cycle had a lot of twists and turns that I haven't written about and some of them will have to remain private, perhaps forever. I hate being private, I am the queen of TMI, but because this involves others I'll bite my tongue. I could write volumes on the emotional ramifications of anonymous sperm donation and I probably will at some point. But right now I am sad for the loss of this cycle, the 9 follicles that aren't going to represent any sort of hope for me to become a mother this month.

I'll dig into this another time.

CD5 - Feeling Apprehensive

CD5, stim day 4.

I'm not sure I want to go through with this cycle. Wish I could say more, but it's a cluster fuck beyond all compare.

Trust me on this one.

I'll shoot up my stims tonight, but I fear that tomorrow will be the end of this one.

CD2: The reluctant cycler

AF arrived in all her glory and here I am on CD2. Today was my baseline appointment with the dildo-cam. I drove the hour and forty-five minutes to the clinic way up north and paid my $15 copay. They wanted me to prepay the entire cycle before my baseline and I protested, "Can't we just make sure that I'm even going to cycle before I pay?" The receptionist agreed and smiled. She was nice.

They weighed me on the way to the room. I tossed shoes and sweater, trying to get anything off of me that would add weight. I hate the scale. And recently I've felt a bit heavy so I just wanted to avoid that entirely. I came in a few pounds lighter than my last visit. Weird. Maybe the scale needs calibration?

Escorted to the room, I waited yet another 20 minutes whilst sitting on the exam table, bleeding onto the pad they left me. At this point I realize my meter is running out in 20 minutes. I grabbed some towels to shove between my legs, wrapped the paper drape around me, and stuck my head out the door. And waited. Finally a nurse came by and said, "We're running behind. One doctor! You're next." I signed and said something about my meter running out in 20 minutes and could they please try to get to me...

Back on the table for another 10 minutes or so...they finally arrive. Comments went around about how much I appeared to be bleeding. "Uhmm...yes...you did say for me to come in on cycle day 2 and this is pretty much what it's like. Always. For the last 30-something years." Heh.

So the young girl doctor (not my usual RE) found 6 follies on the right, and a mere 3 on the left. I have a 12mm endometrioma (blood filled cyst) on the left ovary that has persisted for a few months now and will require surgery to remove should I ever want to go back down that route again). 9 in all. I should be pleased that at 44 I'm still making eggs, but I am a bit reluctant about trying again after having given up for so long. I really can't say why at this point but I have very specific reasons for my reluctance (the point is secrecy for the time being - as there is a chance that my partner's ex is reading this and looking for some sort of bait or weapon to bludgeon him with - wouldn't be the first time - so I write with a bit of caution these days. Just a bit.)

*snark*

Anyways, I paid my portion of the bill on my way out. $1356. I felt tremendously guilty that my portion was a meager 10%. I'm so used to paying cash for my IVF cycles that, finally having insurance, I felt awkward. But also elated at the same time that I wasn't breaking the bank to do this yet again. And get this: PGD and co-culture are covered by my insurance. As is cryofreezing. I think I have died and gone to IVF heaven.

So tonight's my first shot of Gonal F and medrol.

Let the good times roll.

Estrace Day 3

Hmm, anything to report? Well, my skin is breaking out, but I think that this started before I started to take the estrace. I'm feeling a bit pudgier, too, but I always feel like this towards the end of my cycle.

I'm feeling a bit guilty for not having done the health kick that I did in IVF cycle 1, but there's a part of me that thinks that I did everything conceivable on those first two cycles. And it didn't help me get pregnant. So why bother? The crack whores of the universe get pregnant without sucking down wheat grass juice every single day, so why can't I?

Then my rational self kicks in and says, "OK, it's ok to have some decaf, and soy, and sugar...but in moderation!" So I'm trying to not sweat the small shit this cycle.

We'll see how well this attitude serves me.

Estrace Day 2

So as I look at my cycle documents, it's clear that I'm on the "estrogen priming protocol". So my cycle looks like this:

• Watch for ovulation surge
  
• Start estrace 7 days later (3-20-9)
  
• Call clinic on CD1, 1st full flow day (this should be in about a week unless the estrace screws things up). Stop estrace on this day.
  
• Ultrasound on CD2
  
• Start stims evening of CD2 if all systems go. Twice daily dosaging:
  

  
  300iu Gonal
  2 vials Menopur

  
  
• CD7, 5 days after baseline, I do an estradiol blood test and ultrasound
  
• At some point unbeknownst to me Ganirelix will be added into my protocol
  
• Trigger
  
• Retrieval 36 hours later
  
• 5 day of Medrol starting day of retrieval
  
• Transfer 3 days later
  
• Progesterone in ethyl oleate daily
  
• 2 weeks of HELL
  
  And..by the way...I'm not doing anything special this cycle save for:
  
• Prenatals
• Fish oil
  
• Vit D
  
• Natural E
  
• Selenium
  
• Vitamin C
  
• Calcium
  
• Folgard/Methyl Folate cocktail
  
• Baby Aspirin
  
• Lovenox starting CD3
  
• Might do 30g of IVIg the day before transfer. Might as well since I have 30g sitting in my refrigerator!

And so it begins...

Started off the morning with a cup of decaf Starbucks and Estrace. I'm 7 days post my ovulatory surge...and am on the estrace til AF comes.

Then, so goes the protocol, I'm in for an U/S on CD2 and then stims start that night if all systems are go.

I'm sort of in disbelief that after having given up, here I am back on the horse.

A Note About my Cycle Numbers

I know my cycle numbers are confusing. I may fix this one day. But for now, here's the scoop:

I did 2 fresh IVFs and 1 frozen with Dr. Moustache (I'm calling these IVF#1-#2 - there was a FET in there though but I guess I am not really calling this anything. Maybe I'm remembering incorrectly - I'll have to go back and check).

I then cycled with Dr. Pompy. They had me on lupron for a month or more. Holy fuck. You can only imagine my mood. This was the decline of my relationship with my boyfriend. We had near yelling matches in front of the receptionist when it came time to pay our bill which was 50:50. I went from 11 or 12 follicles down to 7. I freaked and canceled myself about two days before retrieval. (I count this as IVF #3 as it was hell enough).

I then cycled with Dr. Generous - one cycled canceled (#4 due to cysts) and then we did a full cycle (#5) that resulted in a measely 3 embryos, one of which looked like a football. It was my most miserable cycle ever. The boyfriend and I fought all through this cycle. When it was done, we were done. I couldn't stay with someone that had been so terrible to me while I went through what were the most terrible days of my life.

Then I gave up on IVF completely. The emotional strain was too much. The financial strain was killing me. My relationship with my boyfriend was over. I said unless I was hired at a company that paid for IVF that I'd never try again.

So I went on with life. I went back to work as a contractor and was wistful that my work compadres had insurance and I did not. They didn't need it either. They came to work pregnant and rubbed their bellies casually. It hurt. One girl actually said out loud one day, "Everyone I know who did IVF has twins." What? Helllllooooooo? Where are MY twins goddammit???

Two gigs later, I landed a FT job at a swanky software company but they didn't have IVF coverage. No matter. I'd given up. I was 43. It was done.

The end of October I saw that in the open enrollment forms they were adding on IVF coverage. My 44th birthday, weeks away, I decided, "WTF!? How can I NOT try if someone is giving me another chance?"

I went to see Dr. Italian, the most recent doc, and he said "no". So I'm off to see the esteemed clinic at the university in parts north. What to call this place? I need an alias. I'll think of one. But the doctor I'm slated to see on Monday shall be known as Dr. Red.

So here I am. 44 years old. Onto clinic #5 and what I am calling IVF cycle #6. It's really IVF #4 but the cycles that didn't work got so close to retrieval and I went through so much fucking hell that I am not going to casually dismiss them.

They sucked. They get their own number.

Fired by Dr. Italian

Dr. Italian called two days ago to let me know that he'd put my case to the clinic's medical review committee. They voted 5 to 1 (against) letting me cycle. He called while I was at Kinko's furiously copying medical records to send to the next clinic. Yeah, I pretty much figured they weren't going to take me.

He said he felt I had about a 1% chance of taking home a baby.

9+ antrals. FSH = 15. E2 in the low 30's. And I have a 1% chance?

I know that my FSH will come down with a few more syringes of Humira. It works like a charm for me. And it'll stay down for months.

Millie's right. It's not about my FSH anymore - it's about my age. At 44 most will have given up on me. I may be crazy, but I'm heading north to the city to the folks that aren't scared of FSH. At least I think they're not. I only wonder how many times they'll let me cycle before they, like Dr. Moustache, cut me off as well?

I seriously do not believe for a second that FSH alone tells the whole story. FSH is an indicator, yes, to how the ovaries are responding, but what makes FSH vary? What makes the ovaries respond differently?

Dr. Hungarian, in NYC, felt that infection could definitely cause ovaries to malfunction. There's data to back this up. Dr. B, felt that our immune systems attacking the ovaries could do the same. Humira is known for calming the immune system and allowing the ovaries to return to normal. If you could see my FSH values a few months after a few shots of this elixer you'd know I was speaking the truth.

I also know that endometriomas and other maladies of the female gonads can also impede their ability to function property. Think about it. Cover the ovaries with blood filled cysts, or reduce their blood supply, and how would any ovary respond? Well? Or poorly? It's only obvious. One doesn't need 4 years of medical school, and 6 years internships to realize this.

Cure any of these problems, and the FSH is likely to return to levels that are normal for our ages. Age is clearly a problem, but it's not the only one.

I wish these damned doctors would remember this.

My day with Dr. Italian

Day 2 of my UTI. As of 9pm last night it seemed to be on the retreat. Thank god for Cipro. So now I'm nervous that taking this humira is really going to fuck me up. But how the hell else do I get my FSH down? How? I just cut out caffeine, alcohol, sugar...and I'm off to WF's to get fish oils tonight. I have two weeks to try to make a dent. I doubt I'll make it but, hell, you never know. I can get in two shots before the next CD3 FSH and maybe it will help. I'm also doing Cipro and Dr. Hungarian was convinced that infections would make ovaries work harder and require more FSH to get things a'movin'.

Oh crap. If I've blown my chance the second I get IVF insurance I'll just freak.

So this morning I'm laying in bed with the new man...and his 4 year old crawls into bed with us and promptly starts sneezing and says, "I'm feeling a bit sniffly today." Fuck. From UTI to pneumonia in a few days? Seriously folks, I'm not over reacting here. Last December I tested positive for pneumonia after coming off of humira, so it CAN and DOES happen. So I grabbed a roll of TP for his nose and tried to keep the green stuff off of his pillowcases best I could.

So today was my big day at the new clinic. It totally blew my mind that the fees for today would be a freakin' COPAY! $25. I am so used to being raked over the coals from each RE. All day long I found myself freaking out because I wasn't sure how I was going to afford all these payments...and then I'd reel myself in with, "But it's covered!!!! Stop it already!" I'm not sure how long it will take for it to sink in that I have insurance at last.

So the clinic isn't impressive when you walk in the door. It's a bit shabby actually. But it's a satellite office so I'm sure the main place is much more impressive. My initial impressions: upbeat, a bit on the conservative side, realistic. He has a funny habit of talking fast and not looking at people in the eye...I'm not sure if that bothers me or if he's just quirky.

So the meeting went as such: vitals, meeting 1, u/s, meeting 2.

Vitals: OK, so I weighted with my clothes on. I'm 8 pounds heavy from my top shape in NYC over the summer. Ugh. BP is normal, slightly low as usual.

Meeting 1: He said I had a 5% chance of taking home a baby and asked if I was prepared for that bit of realism. Yeah, of course I am. We chatted for at least an hour. I had to reign myself in from asking him his thoughts on every single piece of IF research.

U/S: Dr. Italian fires up the dildo-cam and goes for the ovary on the right. He looks rather surprised and tells the nurse that there are 5, yes five, follicles on the right. One of them (or in addition to the 5, I'm not sure) is forming a cyst. He moves the cam to the left and tells me, "If you thought the right side was good, you should see the left!" Four follicles plus 2 small cysts. 9+ follicles on CD12. I can't tell you how pleased all of this makes me. I also realize that today being CD12 means that on CD2 or CD3 we might have found even a few more as it's hard for the U/S to "see" all the follicles once the cysts start to form.

Meeting 2: Dr. Italian explains that, at my age, he would have expected a single follicle on one ovary and basically nothing on the other side. He does a lot of smiling and fills out a lab slip for me to test my FSH/E2 on my next CD3. He's a bit optimistic. He said he doesn't think my FSH will be much higher than it was in my last IVF (it was somewhere between 7 and 10.5, heck if I can remember anymore). All I know is that if you've been following these posts...I have my doubts. He said he'd only let me cycle if it comes back lower than 12.

Crap.

Happy New UTI

Shoot up humira on day 1. Get a UTI the very next day.

God this is nasty stuff.

Happy new year everyone. (Seriously!)

Let's Get That FSH Dooooooowwwwwwn!

Received a gift of 6 Humira syringes today. One helluva gift if you know what this stuff goes for.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

So...why am I shooting myself up with this stuff? Dr. B was convinced that it lowers FSH...and by golly it DOES. How do you think I got my FSH down to 6.5 or 7 just a year and a half ago?

*evil grin*

Fingers crossed that it works again.

Took my first shot today.

Are my ovaries toast?

CD3 results:

FSH 17
E2 92

I guess I'm going into menopause? WTF? I don't get it. I have great FCM, ovaries ache like mad at ovulation. I'm healthy, look young as hell.

Is it all over?

CD3 FSH

Doing my CD3 FSH/E2 today. My IVF insurance kicks in on January 1st. I'm not sure who I'm going to cycle with.

Will it be:
Dr. Pompy....Dr. Italian....or, Dr. Generous

I guess that all depends on how the test results come in. Stay tuned.

The Clock Strikes 44

I turned 44 today and to commemorate the day, I emailed Dr. Pompy to see if he would let me cycle with his clinic again. I also emailed for an appointment with a new doctor, whom I will refer to as The Italian for lack of a better imagination on my part - The Italian has an office close to me but his clinic is way over on the east side of my locale which makes for a stressful retrieval if nothing else. Nothing like driving in early morning rush hour traffic with your ovaries about to explode. Oh yeahhh.

This latter doc was recommended to me by my OB/GYN over a year ago when I told her that Dr. Moustache fired us. I just checked his success rates at my age. THEY SUCK! Holy shit. I have a good mind to write to Dr. Moustache and beg for another try as he did get the best numbers for me. I hate grovelling, though, and fear that he'd just kick me and my crappy uterus to the curb. It's either that or I should hop a plane for the clinic in the Rockies where they still knock women up my age with success rates in the 30-something percentages.

I'm on CD5 and can you believe that I totally forgot (FORGOT!?) to test my CD3 FSH. Jesus christ I've been off the merry-g0-round long enough that I've just lost my mind about most things infertility.

Stay tuned as the worm begins to turn yet again.

My How the Worm Turns

I took the job I have now with the belief that they had IVF coverage. Then found that it wasn't true.

I gave up. Tossed in the towel. I simply couldn't afford to do this anymore. My S/O and I split up and we're now doing our own thing (except for the small fact that he still lives with me). Life went on. Or so I thought.

Drum roll.....

Open enrollment is underway at my company and the new plans came out today. Let's just say I'm beyond stunned.

Not only are they covering IVF but they're outdoing any company I've known before:

$25,000 lifetime meds for IVF
$50,000 for IVF (max of 5 cycles)

Holy crap.

Jealous? I'm still stunned. I cannot fucking believe that as I turn 44 years old next month, I am greeted with the possibility of being a mom. Again.

The first question that came to mind after the "holy fuck" was "Do I do this again?" followed immediately by, "Where is Dr. Pompy's phone number and does he take BC/BS of Texas???"

I've since calmed down. I perused the CCRM website before leaving work and stopped by the house to pop my folgard, BA, HPT-5, and vitamin E.

I think you could say I already know what I'm going to do. Tomorrow I'll hit up Whole Foods to load up on omegas. I have 4 months to get my eggs in shape, do LIT, find HGH to shoot up (we're going cutting edge!).

The only question now is: who's going to be the daddy?

*sobs*

Irony

Irony - i·ro·ny [\ˈī-rə-nē] noun, d. 1502. (Etymology: Latin ironia; Greek eirōnia)

"Incongruous state where, after successive IVF failures, an infertile woman ceases trying to have a baby only to score a job with IVF coverage."