Crash and BurnWith Added Paranormal Kids Flava?

Retrieval was today.

4 follicles. 1 immature follicle retrieved.

I have nothing. NOTHING! Nothing to fertilize.

How can this be? I had a 18mm follicle two days ago. There is nothing about that follicle that could remotely be considered "immature".

How could this cycle have gone so wrong? I just don't understand it. The only things that were different were that I took resveratrol/pycnogenol and I took my HCG trigger in the arm (rather than the hip).

That the largest follicle wasn't mature (and three didn't detach from the follicle wall) tells me that there must have been something wrong with the HCG trigger. What else could it be?

Anyone know what sorts of things cause follicles to just not mature?

I'm having a very hard time emotionally with this failure. The last one was bad...but to have nothing is just heartbreaking. At least with my first failures, I had my ex to lean on. A shoulder to cry on.

This time 'round, I'm on my own, despite that I have an uninvolved partner who doesn't want further children beyond the three he already has. Hence, the DS. He's being terribly detached, hasn't checked in on me once to see if I am OK physically or emotionally. Not once. He didn't even ask how it went when he picked me up from the clinic. I'm stunned. Shocked. Hurt.

I can't express how utterly alone I feel right now. I'm going to become dehydrated if I don't stop crying soon.

On the bright side (AS IF there could be one today), the sclerotherapy on my ovaries was a successful procedure. So the anesthesia went to a good use. Dr. Italian removed 3 endometriomas on my right ovary and 1 on my left. He said that the one on my left gave him a bit of trouble and that he had to "break it up" to get it out. Ick, ick, ick. I don't even want to know what that truly means in terms of process.

I've been put on best rest for the rest of the day as my empty endometriomas were pumped full of a tetracycline solution and they'll slowly absorb over the next few days. I'm not to be "jostled" by the kids...so no jumping on me, crashing into me, etc. No small feat for these guys to be THAT well behaved. Seriously.

Dr. Italian wrote me a Rx for DepoProvera tablets that I'll take orally for 14 days then my period will start like clockwork the day after Christmas or the day after that. When that happens we'll do a follicle check on CD3, E2 test, and we'll see if things look good enough to start cycle #6.

I asked him about doing an "agonist antagonist conversion protocol" next cycle and he said that we could do it. I'd need to get a progesterone test on CD21 and if it was high enough I'd start lupron.

Scary thing is that I will probably be in Zurich, Switzerland at that time...so how the hell I'll get a progesterone test done remotely, and in a foreign country, is utterly beyond me. I'm sure I can get a test done, it's just that hopefully the test results are in English and in units that Dr. Italian can convert from.

But back to today...and what happened after we left the clinic.

After he picked me up from the clinic we drove back home across the river and headed out for brunch. My treat since he had to sit in wretched traffic in the tunnel to get to me. I explained to the kids the rule about not crashing into me. Out of the blue, the older kid said aloud, "She had an operation and she's never going to have a baby. She can't have any children EVER!!!" (Paraphrasing). He kept going on and on about how I would never have children. Mind you, he's 5. I'd have backslaped him if he was a teenager. I turned to his father, holding back tears as best I could, and asked, "Did you guys have a conversation about this before you came to get me or what?" and he said "NO!". Talk about hitting me with the lowest blow I could have ever had. Ouch. And where the hell did he get such an idea? They have no idea I am trying to get pregnant whatsoever. It's just not talked about at all when they are around. Their dad finally told the older boy to "shut up", sensing that it had me on the verge of total freakout. What the hell got into him, I have no idea.

Even weirder. The little one (also a boy), who is four and I am completely bonded to, wants to be a girl when he "grows up" (because, in his words, "girls are nice"). He has this alter ego named "Sophie" that he likes to assume. He'll put my curtain drawback cords on his head, for hair, (they're silky rope with long silky tassels) and then morph into Sophie. What's sorta strange is that Sophie is the name I'd give to my daughter if I ever had one (actually Sophia, but Sophie for short). I was almost named Sophie by my mother so it has a soft spot in my heart. I told him one day, "If I ever had a little girl, I'd name her Sophie, too!" Then, just last night, at dinner, he turned to me, out of the blue, and said very matter of factly, "Maybe you'll get to be Sophie's mother."

Eerie.

What's with these kids?

Back to my box of kleenex. :-(