Changes

Being that I am between cycles, I haven't had anything new and exciting to report on from my IF chair. I am still waiting for my shipment of Enbrel to arrive so that I can start the process of getting my immune system to calm down. Hopefully it will not only stop my psoriasis, but stop my hair from falling out (which has been going on since about CD10 or so of my last IVF cycle). My hair looks like shit. It's thin and dry. I used to have beautiful thick blond hair. Just last fall in fact. Some of my friends say they don't notice, but god, how can't they notice it? Why are they polite and afraid to say what they see? I saw Dr. G for my yearly two weeks ago and it was one of the first things she commented on. Perhaps, just perhaps, this enbrel will stop this hair falling out business in it's tracks and give me another lovely drop in my FSH as it turns things around, once again.

Last time I took humira, for somewhat similar reasons, I saw a great drop in my FSH. From about 9.5 or 10, all the way down to 5.6. It didn't help us get pregnant during FET#1, but it could have been crappy eggs from the previous IVF that was to blame. Dr. B used to think that women whose cytokines were extremely elevated were susceptible to ovarian and egg damage. He felt that patients such as that needed to take humira or enbrel on average of 17.4 weeks in order to get the maximum effects. My cytokines have never been in what he would call the danger zone, but because of my psoriasis outbreak, it's clear that my immune system is just whacked out and needs to be addressed.

I'm prepared to take it for that long for my psoriasis alone, so if it boosts my* chances with another IVF cycle all the better. Some studies show a slightly elevated risk of certain types of lymphomas for psoriasis patients that take enbrel and humira. I've also heard that they tend to disappear once the medication is ceased. I am not really sure what to believe but some days it just seems worth the risk. Some days, when I am feeling really down about this whole IF thing, I think that life would just not be the same without kids so I'll take the risk. Then my brain kicks in and straightens me out. So I'll ask my docs to monitor me as closely as they can for any indications of things going awry.

Otherwise, I have a tentative hysteroscopy scheduled for October 11th. I've been negligent in committing to the appointment but I really should have the good Dr. G take a look-see to ensure that all is fine inside. I've had sono-HSGs, chromopertubation tests, but never a hysteroscopy. Dr. G has explained that a sono-HSG should show any uterine abnormalities, but I really would like to know for sure that the 7 dwarfs haven't taken up residence in my uterus before shelling out another five figures for the next IVF.

I've managed to accumulate approximately 6.5 days of my IVF meds from online friends...thank you so much ladies. I can't tell you how much everything helps. :-) But I think you know.

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*J has decided he has had it with the whole IVF thing. Maybe even with being a parent. Our experience with IF been incredibly hard on us. Beyond words. I know that nothing really needs to be said for those of you that have, like us, endured multiple IVFs, failures, and what lupron can do to a couple. It's enough to destroy the best of couples. We've all heard tales of couples that separated or divorced after multiple IVFs yet the woman trudged on alone and was finally successful without her mate. Or wasn't.

I won't describe what has happened here out of respect for J, who was insane enough to give this URL out to friends, family, and coworkers. But, in a nut shell, it does not look as though he will sign on for another IVF whether or not I am hired onto a company that has benefits. I am assuming that I will be doing this next cycle alone and for myself. And that is fine by me. Yes, I am sad about it all, god, f*cking stunned is more like it, but I've had a few weeks to heal and I will keep trying because that is really all that I can do.