i've got bad plumbing

Swimming in IVIg

noreply@blogger.com (linda) — Fri, 09 May 2008 22:11:00 +0000

I've got 30g of Gammagard Liquid IVIg, stored properly (refrigerated), boxed, sealed bottles.

1 - 20g (200ml) expires Mar-9-1010
1 - 10g (100ml) expires Jan-25-2010

Will ship on ice.

Inquire within.

PS: Please forward to other gals if you know of anyone in need?

Ranting on the Irony of it All

noreply@blogger.com (linda) — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 04:54:00 +0000

I've been in a purge mode in the last few months. Cleaning out the spare odd terra cotta pots and saucers on my patio, donating old clothing to the local thrift store, and last week I offloaded off the bulk of my IVF pharmaceutical regalia. Oh, and I now have chickens. Yes, 5 chickens. They were bought in a moment of anti-purge, but I'll write about them another day.

Today, I had a wild hair up my derrière to call two of my RE's just to see where I was on their embryo donation list. I didn't get an answer right away as it was early in the AM.

About 5pm this evening I noticed a voice mail on my cell. It was the last clinic I cycled at. Apparently they move their embryos rather quickly because I'm #9 on the list. Nine. I nearly choked. The embryologist explained that I could expect to do my transfer as early as 3 or 4 months out.

And the irony of this? Last week I sold off my fertility drugs, tomorrow I'm having surgery to remove my abdominal surgery scar that went hypertrophic because I figured I'd never have that c-section my ob/gyn promised me (narrow hips) so why not get rid of it?

But that's not all of it. I've lost 25 pounds in the last year (mostly IVF weight) and haven't done a damned thing that us infertiles tend to do when cycling. I've been eating meat, the occasional dairy, coffee and tea with caffeine, and I haven't done much to stay on top of my vitamins as of late. Wheat grass? What's that? In essence, I'm not physically ready for an embryo donation. I'm also not emotionally ready for an embryo. But how am I supposed to wait? I mean, this is what I was working for the last few years. Things are about to change, shift. Why am I not jumping up and down for the joy of it all?

As for J and I? J and I are still living together but it's more like he's a roommate than a partner these days. Everything turns into an argument. There's barely any affection left between us and let's just say, that had I fallopian tubes left, there would be precisely zero chance of my getting knocked up the old fashioned way. It's sad when infertility lead to, but I know we're not the only ones stressed by this.

Life's changed quite a bit since our canceled cycle with Dr. Pompy last March. J and I have drifted apart and I'm sort of seeing someone ("D") who has kids of his own (as well as a vasectomy and little desire to sire more children, although I reckon he might help me out if I begged and promised to not make him responsible for yet one more mouth to feed). He's in a similar predicament as I: he lives in a guest cottage over the garage of his wife's property as his children are young and he needs to be there. I totally get where he's at. But there's no affection between the two of them and she's moved on as well.

So a little tube of embryos on ice somewhere in the Bay Area is earmarked for my uterus. And I don't know what the hell I am going to do. It's quite clear that if I proceed I am signing up to be a single parent because I don't assume that anyone will be on this ride with me. I've started a new job and I can afford a child and a house on my own at long last. My mother, who is 91 and healthy as a horse, lives with me and would make a great nanny. Everything is in order. But apparently my brain is NOT.

*help*

Hiatus

noreply@blogger.com (linda) — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 02:19:00 +0000

I should have written this post shortly after the last one because no sooner than I agreed to take the new job, I found out there weren't in fact any IVF benefits to be had. My girlfriend "J" said, "They're a major software company. I am sure they are on the list of companies that have coverage." Well I didn't see them on any lists but I had faith in J that she was on top of her IF stats. Ho hum.

Well, it's not like any company with IVF benefits is knocking my door down, so I decided to stay on and make the best of it. Besides, they raised my pay 30% from my last job and now I'm full time/permanent. Full time gigs are a bit hard to come by sometimes here in the SillyConValley. I miss the flexibility of contracting but this job is an ideal career move for me. It's got a lot more responsibility and the skills I am learning here will easily push me to into a director level position with my next job.

So I just finished week 1, and let's just say that I'm exhausted. My manager quit right before I was hired and his last day is my 5th day on the job. He's forwarded me everything he ever did. Needless to say, the mail server sent me a dreaded, "Your mailbox has reached it's limit" at the end of day 3. So on day 4 I archived my mail. This is a first in my life. It's been like that the entire week and I feel totally overwhelmed. It's literally a trial by fire. Hopefully I'll survive.

So after hearing that IVF was not included in the benefits, I've decided to "clean house". I've put an ad on FGS for my follistim, lovenox, menopur, enbrel, and other lovelies. For the last two days I've been dealing with the typical flakes that one meets online but I've also met a few girls who my heart goes out to. Hearing their stories as to where they are on the IF highway makes my heart break. God how I've been there. Desperate. Trying. Hopeful.

And now? Spent.

In some ways I am relieved to not be trying again. Is it that I've truly given up? Or am I hardened to trying? Or fearful of hurting again when the BFN message comes through at the end of the cycle? I don't right now if I am going to regret my decision to stop trying or not but I do know that I gave it everything I had. There's not a chance in hell that I'll ever say, "I wonder if I should have tried (fill in blank)..." because, ladies, I did try everything. I left no stone unturned.

These days I ponder more of what I will do if and when the times comes for my donor embryos. Will I proceed and try again? Will I change my mind about adoption one day? I sort of feel, or intuit, that I'm not really at the end of this path just yet. It's a hiatus of sorts until the next fork in the road, or until science finds out a way to scrape those damned ovarian stem cells out of me and do something with them.

I might be agnostic, but somehow I have faith that it will all work out in the end.

Irony

noreply@blogger.com (linda) — Sun, 09 Mar 2008 23:28:00 +0000

Irony - i·ro·ny [\ˈī-rə-nē] noun, d. 1502. (Etymology: Latin ironia; Greek eirōnia)

"Incongruous state where, after successive IVF failures, an infertile woman ceases trying to have a baby only to score a job with IVF coverage."

5%

noreply@blogger.com (linda) — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 12:25:00 +0000

Today my chances of getting pregnant slip to 5%.

Happy birthday to me..................?

On Hiatus

noreply@blogger.com (linda) — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 11:05:00 +0000

God, I haven't been here in awhile. I'm not entirely sure if I've given up, but most days it feels like it.

I am having a real hard time envisioning that I will try again. But I reserve the right to change mind my mind at the drop of a hat. I am still taking my enbrel just in case that hat does indeed drop.

I'm currently in Stuttgart, until the 2nd of December. Just relaxing, sleeping in when I can, and touring about a bit during the day, when so motivated. Today I am NOT motivated. It's gray, windy, and threatening outside, and I'd rather just drink coffee and kick my feet up. I'm staying at a friend's apartment so it affords me the luxury of not feeling pressured to eek out every minute of every day running around with my head cut off. Now if I had paid for a hotel for each day it might be another story and I'd likely feel that I had to squeeze the juice out of each single day.

But not this trip. This is slooooow travel at it's best.

If only there was some warm sun to be had...

Waiting on Enbrel

noreply@blogger.com (linda) — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 03:13:00 +0000

Starting this enbrel business hasn't been a walk in the park. After my second shot I came down with a lovely case of "nether region-itis" that was so severe that it took 4 doses of diflucan and two boxes of the dreaded white waxy crap to get rid of it. I only started feeling better yesterday so I'll likely pop another pill just to make sure the critters are at bay.

Dr. Google says that this is typical crap "that I must endure" when taking enbrel. What's more, I had a pretty good injection site reaction going on that made me wonder if I was indeed allergic to the mouse proteins in the injection. Injection site number 2 turned into a red blotchy triangle with 4" long sides. I shit you not. It nearly consumed all of Q3 on my lower abdomen. It came up about 4 days after the 2nd injection so it was immediate. Injection number three produced a faint, itchy, oval shaped blotch about 3" or so in its longest dimension. Both are basically gone, but they bruised quite well before starting to exit.

So there's not a whole lot to report on my IF journey at this point. I inject my enbrel weekly. I eat mass quantities of folic acid (folgard and the predigested form), fish oil, and other random vitamins....when I can remember. My BMI is stable and low. So I stay on my good behavior and I wait. And wait. I guess I should wait another two months before attempting another IVF cycle in order to really make sure that the NKs in my uterus are dead and buried. If I was really doing things right, I'd order an endometrial biopsy to doublecheck. But god those hurt. What IS it with doctors who say, "Well there aren't any nerve endings in your uterus|cervix|whatever." They're on crack if they think we can't feel it when they suck out flesh from our uterus or scrape us to death during a pap. On crack. And, if you've gone through the endo biopsy before, you'll likely agree that after that torment, here's nothing like SEEING chunks of your flesh packed into a clear container, bobbling around as you walk it to pathology. Ick, ick, ick.

So I'm waiting. Sort of patiently. In the last few weeks I've spent a bit of time with a friend and his two very small children. It's clear that he and the missus are both frazzled to death by their two children, mostly due to lack of sleep but also, I reckon, because they both work from home, telecommuting, and it seem that they have a hard time getting work done while the little whippersnappers are running around. They have nannies up the ying-yang, but unless the nannies take said children off of the premises it doesn't really do much to keep the noise levels down.

Let's just say that such experiences while I am waiting for the next cycle to begin make me wonder if I really want to sign on for this. I know that, personally speaking, I'm in a transitory phase in my life. J doesn't want to do another IVF with me. Heck, I don't know if J will be living here, in the same house as I, from one day to the next. While the shit-fan spews forth it's mess, I'm trying to get hired on at a new company F/T so there will be some stability in my life. And then I think, "My god. Why am I trying to get pregnant? My life is anything but normal, stable, and child-proof!!" Seriously folks, there's a part of me deep down inside that really wants a child in my life, but today...today...I can't seem to find that part.

I'll keep shooting the enbrel in the meanwhile. It's good for my psoriasis, which is on the decline, and if I wind up finding that part in me that wants to do the next IVF cycle I'll be ready on the immune front as well.

Until then, I think I may join Coloratura in the upper west side for a few days of museums, walking, wining & dining, and trying to catch glimpses of our favorite locals.

Post-MS Anyone?

noreply@blogger.com (linda) — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 02:48:00 +0000

I am thrilled that AF arrived, but I found myself in a bit of an emotional slump today. I wracked my brain to figure out what was wrong with me and then it dawned on me that I hadn't had many periods this year given all the IVF attempts we'd undergone. I'd forgotten, literally forgotten, that I'm one of those rare birds that doesn't get PMS (as in pre-menstrual syndrome), but I instead go through a bit of a Post-MS of sorts.

Many women find themselves feeling cranky, bitchy, desperate to eat chocolate *before* their periods. Not me. Mine screwed-up hormones kick in afterwards. In this case, CD3. I find myself depressed, sad, weepy, just plain miserable. I don't fly into rages, but find myself feeling more withdrawn and sullen. I don't understand why this is. One friend, a nurse, said that maybe I'm having a sort of negative feedback reaction to the increasing hormones at the start of AF. Hmm, maybe.

I haven't met anyone like this. Anyone else as whacked-out as me out there?

She's Heeeeeeeeeeeere!

noreply@blogger.com (linda) — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 00:37:00 +0000

As if nothing was wrong, AF showed up nice and bright this morning. I've never been so relieved to see her make her appearance. I still don't know what the delay was about but as Pamplemousse said, it's probably just my "bloody hormones" (dear girl, was that pun purposeful? heehee!).

Hmm, what else? Thursday night I took my first shot of enbrel of the 50mg variety (or is that 50mcg? Frightening how I didn't bother to really look this time). I haven't noticed any unusual symptoms. I've been extremely tired that last few days but that's probably all normal considering how little sleep I get, what with two frisky kittens who drop their toys on my sleeping head at 6:30 in the morning. I 'do' find myself looking at my scalp multiple times throughout the day scouting for a reduction in plaques in my quickly diminishing hairline. Yes, the hair is STILL falling out, but it seems to be slowing just a tiny bit.

Lastly, I just picked up a couple bottles of a predigested form of folic acid to help with the MTHFR issue (otherwise known as the "motherfucker gene") and am hoping to get my folic acid stores up in time for my next IVF cycle. Yeah, I know it might not happen ever again, but there's nothing wrong in "getting healthy". Anyways, with the MTHFR gene comes the increased risk of strokes and other issues if left untreated...so it's just one of those things that gets taken care of in the throes of trying to get pregnant.

There you have it. Nothing important save for my dear lost AF who finally made her way back today. Whew.

Real Late

noreply@blogger.com (linda) — Sun, 23 Sep 2007 06:32:00 +0000

Nearly 6 days late for AF and she's still nowhere in sight. This is odd, really odd. I guess at some point it would be prudent of me to phone my ob/gyn's office and advise this of this strange turn of events.

I need to make my appointment for my hysteroscopy on Monday so I guess I can mention to it at that time. I can already hear them saying, "Well it could be that you're starting menopause", to which I think I will burst a neuron. My mom didn't go through the change til her 50's so there's no reason to think I should start this soon.

Of course, my body has a mind of it's own. Something that is quite clear to me this week.

Late?

noreply@blogger.com (linda) — Fri, 21 Sep 2007 14:56:00 +0000

My last beta for IVF#4 was on 8/21 and my AF came the very same day in the afternoon. It was a typical heavy AF.

My AF is usually like clockwork: you can set your calendar by her. She comes every 28 days whether or not I want her to.

Except for this time.

Oddly I'm 4 days late.* Insanely, my mind started wondering, "Maybe the beta wasn't REALLY less than 2!?" and then "Maybe I'm getting early menopause?" (Mom didn't get hers till she was in her early to mid 50's so there's a small chance of that happening) and then I settled on, "Maybe my cycle is just totally whacked out after this last IVF?"

I've checked and double-checked my calendar. AF was most definitely due on Monday and today is Friday. This is a first. I'm rarely more than one day late even when it's the first real bleed after an IVF cycle. I've had minor cramps here and there that smack of AM coming on but I'll run to the bathroom only to find nothing. If she isn't here tomorrow I'm going to POAS just to set my crazy, hopeful mind to rest. (Now that I've said that I'm sure I've jinxed any chance of being pregnant!)

*Before you get all excited, remember that I don't have any fallopian tubes. I can't get knocked up accidentally...oh how I wish.

Changes

noreply@blogger.com (linda) — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 06:20:00 +0000

Being that I am between cycles, I haven't had anything new and exciting to report on from my IF chair. I am still waiting for my shipment of Enbrel to arrive so that I can start the process of getting my immune system to calm down. Hopefully it will not only stop my psoriasis, but stop my hair from falling out (which has been going on since about CD10 or so of my last IVF cycle). My hair looks like shit. It's thin and dry. I used to have beautiful thick blond hair. Just last fall in fact. Some of my friends say they don't notice, but god, how can't they notice it? Why are they polite and afraid to say what they see? I saw Dr. G for my yearly two weeks ago and it was one of the first things she commented on. Perhaps, just perhaps, this enbrel will stop this hair falling out business in it's tracks and give me another lovely drop in my FSH as it turns things around, once again.

Last time I took humira, for somewhat similar reasons, I saw a great drop in my FSH. From about 9.5 or 10, all the way down to 5.6. It didn't help us get pregnant during FET#1, but it could have been crappy eggs from the previous IVF that was to blame. Dr. B used to think that women whose cytokines were extremely elevated were susceptible to ovarian and egg damage. He felt that patients such as that needed to take humira or enbrel on average of 17.4 weeks in order to get the maximum effects. My cytokines have never been in what he would call the danger zone, but because of my psoriasis outbreak, it's clear that my immune system is just whacked out and needs to be addressed.

I'm prepared to take it for that long for my psoriasis alone, so if it boosts my* chances with another IVF cycle all the better. Some studies show a slightly elevated risk of certain types of lymphomas for psoriasis patients that take enbrel and humira. I've also heard that they tend to disappear once the medication is ceased. I am not really sure what to believe but some days it just seems worth the risk. Some days, when I am feeling really down about this whole IF thing, I think that life would just not be the same without kids so I'll take the risk. Then my brain kicks in and straightens me out. So I'll ask my docs to monitor me as closely as they can for any indications of things going awry.

Otherwise, I have a tentative hysteroscopy scheduled for October 11th. I've been negligent in committing to the appointment but I really should have the good Dr. G take a look-see to ensure that all is fine inside. I've had sono-HSGs, chromopertubation tests, but never a hysteroscopy. Dr. G has explained that a sono-HSG should show any uterine abnormalities, but I really would like to know for sure that the 7 dwarfs haven't taken up residence in my uterus before shelling out another five figures for the next IVF.

I've managed to accumulate approximately 6.5 days of my IVF meds from online friends...thank you so much ladies. I can't tell you how much everything helps. :-) But I think you know.

*J has decided he has had it with the whole IVF thing. Maybe even with being a parent. Our experience with IF been incredibly hard on us. Beyond words. I know that nothing really needs to be said for those of you that have, like us, endured multiple IVFs, failures, and what lupron can do to a couple. It's enough to destroy the best of couples. We've all heard tales of couples that separated or divorced after multiple IVFs yet the woman trudged on alone and was finally successful without her mate. Or wasn't.

I won't describe what has happened here out of respect for J, who was insane enough to give this URL out to friends, family, and coworkers. But, in a nut shell, it does not look as though he will sign on for another IVF whether or not I am hired onto a company that has benefits. I am assuming that I will be doing this next cycle alone and for myself. And that is fine by me. Yes, I am sad about it all, god, f*cking stunned is more like it, but I've had a few weeks to heal and I will keep trying because that is really all that I can do.

Expanding My Laboratory

noreply@blogger.com (linda) — Mon, 03 Sep 2007 18:35:00 +0000

Warning: TMI to follow

Last Thursday I went in for my yearly p*p. It has actually been close to 2 years given that my nether regions have been, well, quite occupied with the multitude of IVF cycles that we've gone through.

Unbeknownst to me, my physician's office had lost a few of their staff and I was to see a new assistant. She came in and started off asking me the usual patient history questions, which in all honesty, felt a bit odd as I'm quite a regular in this office. My health history and that of my parents is pretty well documented.

She asked if I was having hot flashes or vaginal dryness yet. "Goodness no", I told her. Furthermore, we were actually still trying to get pregnant and had done quite a few IVF cycles, one of which ended just a few weeks prior. I forget what her comment was but it was pretty clear that she hadn't prepared for my exam by rummaging through my records when she made some suggestion to me that was predicated upon my actually HAVING fallopian tubes. To which I pointed to the keloided 4" scan on my abdomen and said, "Dr. G removed them last summer!" She had this pained quizzical look on her face, and asked yet another question which further reinforced my notion that she hadn't so much as glanced at my file before walking in. I had to explain how Dr. Moustache and Dr. G conferred and decided that with the massive amounts of endo that I had that it was likely that I had hydrosalpinxed and an exploratory laparotomy was in order. I explained that my tubes were found to be utterly destroyed and were removed with all due haste. It was clear from the look on her face that this was all new news to her.

But then she said the thing that makes many of us IF cringe. "Have you considered adoption?" It's a fair question, but it's a question that feels so dismissive of what we're aiming for: a genetic child of our own. I told her: "It's not for me. Of course I could always change my mind, but being that I was adopted and had a terrible experience with it, I don't think that I could be an adoptive parent myself. Besides, there are so many people who want to adopt and don't have the baggage that I have about it. Let them adopt."

I think that stifled her for a bit. I really do think that many (most?) people think that to undergo IVF means that you merely want a child. Any child. While that is certainly true for some people, it's certainly not true for me or for many people. Men, more than women, seem to have a greater difficulty accepting the idea of not having a biological child of their own and rejecting adoption out of hand. Perhaps it's a biological imperative thing? Who knows. It's true for "J" and I've heard it echoed by the DH's of many of my friends.

After this she swabbed my cervix and proceeded with the most vigorous pelvic exam I think I have even endured. She asked if anything hurt. No, nothing hurt, but wow did it feel as if she rearranged a few things. Mayan massage anyone? Geez!

Everything seemed in order and I left for home where I worked from home the rest of the day. By Friday night something was not quite right. It felt as though a UTI was coming on. I started to drink loads of water and although the typical UTI pain hadn't yet set it, I could feel that it was close.

Saturday morning a dear friend stopped by to bring me the latest H*rry P*tter book and when she left at 1pm I truly felt ill. I spent the entire day on the couch reading and heating up. By nightfall my temperature was up to 100.9 and I had intense body aches and something wasn't quite right down there. Mind you, this is a 3 day holiday weekend and not only are the physicians all out of town, save for the on call physician, but the pharmacies won't be able to fill prescriptions very easily.

By Sunday morning the fever had passed and I was back to a normal 97.7 (yes that's normal for me, so 100.9 is more like 102 for me) but still things weren't back to normal down there. A quick self exam showed opaque EWCM but things were a bit reddened and there was a mild sensation of burning. I've never been prone to yeast outbreaks but I figured that the high fever might have been enough to throw things askew. I read everything that Dr. Google could point me to about yeast and anything else that produced similar symptoms and, well, it could be quite a number of things.

I thought to myself: "If only I have a microscope here at home." You see, I have a veritible pharmacy of drugs here at the house and it's just a matter of knows what I have and then consulting Dr. Google for dosaging. Or Dr. Hungarian. It would be so easy to identify yeast. A smear on a slide with a drop of 10% KOH would make the candida cells quite clear. If that was the issue. Or a slide prepared with some of the EWCM would clearly show flagellated trich*m*nas if they were swimming around in there (they are easiest to identify in EWCM when they are literally pushed out of the cervix en masse). I would have to dig out the old microbiology books to find the methods for isolation and identification of the other microorganisms, but even E. coli is rather easy to identify, although the staining process is a bit of a pain in the arse even if you do have the requisite bunsen burners and stains on hand.

So being that I'm lacking a microscope and my physicians are all out of touch this weekend I opted to take the following:

For a potential UTI: 100mg of Macrobid, 3 times a day for maybe a week
For a potential yeast infection: A 3 day course of monistat
For any other BV related critters: 1g flagyl, twice a day for 5 to 7 days

It's a bit much, but I really do need to knock out whatever this is and fast.

I wonder what is really going on here though. The order of symptoms is just odd. On Wednesday I spent the day with my friend's two children at the beach. They had just gotten over a virus of some sort. Or did they? They're 20 months and 3 and a half. Maybe they're still sick and their parents just don't have a clue? I could have gotten their virus which popped up on Saturday in the form of a 24 hour fever. The vigorous p*p test could have, on it's own, had led to the UTI. And the fever and UTI, together or individually, could have caused my flora to get out of what and lead to the yeast imbalance or BV issue.

I hope I've covered all the potential bugs here, but if not, I've got a consult with my ob/gyn, the same one whose assistant gave me the free Mayan massage with my p*p. I can ask her to do another swabbing and see if anything remains on Friday. If I can wait that long.

So this morning I bid on a box of premium microscope slides with frosted edges and cover slips. I am committed to buying a microscope so that when things like this happen, again, I can quickly figure out if it's yeast, a UTI, or what, that I'm dealing with, walk over to my armoire and pull out the appropriate treatment, should I have it "in stock".

You might ask, "A microscope for a UTI?" Yes! With my trusty centrifuge(s) I can spin down my own urine and identify WBCs, RBCs, and microorganisms. Lovely, eh? I don't want to perpetually self treat, as I have done this weekend, for I am sure to miss something or do something wrong. But in the future, I would like to be able to treat myself in the case of an emergency and I would also like to be able to direct my doctor's assistants, who I am not confident of, as to the most probable cause for my discomfort so that I can get treated faster.

Maybe I can do sperm counts for friends to offset the cost of all this damned equipment?

The lab is now open.

Newbies

noreply@blogger.com (linda) — Mon, 03 Sep 2007 07:33:00 +0000

As one that has literally been through the IVF mill a few times, and considers myself a fairly active blogger and reader of IF blogs, I find myself trying to limit myself to only reading the blogs infertile who have been through at least 2 IVF cycles. I do read one newbie blog, religiously, but for the most part I find it incredibly difficult to read the blogs of the "new to IVF".

My heart really does go out to the newbies. I read of their hope, their angst over whether they'll get pregnant this first cycle. They write about how often they'll do acupuncture, how they think their REs walk on water, how they are "doing everything" right so that this first time will work. I read how they have switched from drinking 5 colas a day to diet soda and I cringe at the amount of aspartame that they're ingesting. Or the girls that stop binge drinking the day before they start taking stims. I have to wonder, sometimes, how serious some of these women are. I know that when this first one doesn't work for some of them that the shock will be unexpected. The pain deep. They'll look for reasons as to why this cycle didn't work. Many will analyze each step they took. Each meal. Each supplement. Whether that pitcher of margaritas the day before transfer had anything to do with it. They'll drive themselves batty with self blame.

When I follow the blog of a newbie and they aren't successful that first time, I feel their pain so intensely because I was there once. (Hell, I still fret over the silly shit!) The pain is so familiar that I dare not venture to their blogs too often. When I read of what their REs are or are not doing in their cycles I want to butt in with my SWAG (ie, scientific wild assed guess), or perhaps you'd call it my assvice. Whatever.

I want to write to them and tell them what I think of their REs, their protocols, their diets, their BMIs, their binge drinking, and to ask if they did "this test" or "that test" before they considered IVF or their RE. "Didn't your RE tell you to stay away from Ginkgo Biloba, Echinacea, and St. John's Wort????" I want to butt in. Sometimes I do, and I always fear the "thanks for stopping by but please back off" note. I haven't received one, yet, but I'm sure it's just around the corner. But for the most part, I try to read and move on, and better yet, I try to read the blogs of my fellow veteran sisters...those who have had repeated failures and have had their newbie blinders removed from their eyes.

I hear many women say that when they become pregnant that they move on and stop reading the blogs of the IF world. I'm not sure that I could ever do that if I were to become pregnant. I think I would still continue to follow my cycle sistahs and check in on them from time to time and offer up my SWAG whenever I felt so moved.

My Infertility Books, now..........Yours?

noreply@blogger.com (linda) — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 02:01:00 +0000

Meredith over at Someone PLEASE knock me up inspired me to do a bit of IF housecleaning.

Here's a few things I don't ever plan on reading again:

Fertility & Pregnancy Guide for DES Daughters & Sons

Inconceivable. Julia Indichova

The Fertility Guide: A Couples Handbook For When You Want To Have a Baby (more than anything else). John C. Jarrett II, MD and Deidra T. Rausch, PhD.

Experiencing Infertility. Debby Peoples, M.S.W. and Harriette Rovner Ferguson, C.S.W.

A book by Dr. Moustache. I'm neither writing his name or the title of his book here as I don't want anyone in his office stumbling onto my blog. It's the updated paperback version. He's a brilliant doctor, but he's also a brilliant marketer. Take it for what you will.

If I had tubes or any of the generic problems these might have helped. I really think Julia Indichova's book was inspirational to me to clean up my act and eat right. The others weren't as helpful. The DES book is something that came into my hands from an Infertileblogapalooza luncheon back in December 2005. I don't have DES but I wanted to learn what it was that a fellow blogger was going through.

All free for the asking.

The Bright Side

noreply@blogger.com (linda) — Sun, 26 Aug 2007 16:17:00 +0000

Can there be a bright side to a failed IVF? In some twisted sort of way...yes?

Here's mine (take it for what you will):

Despite four weeks of dex (steroids), sixteen f*cking days of stims, not working out a single day, eating with utter abandon, I am happy to say that I didn't gain a single pound during this cycle.

Shallow bright side? Yes, perhaps. But I'd be so much more miserable had the scale congratulated me on an 8 pound gain in those three short weeks.

I'll take my happiness where I can get it for the time being.

Aftermath

noreply@blogger.com (linda) — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 08:52:00 +0000

We had our "sorry your cycle failed" consult with Dr. Generous today. She was fantastic as usual. She said with such sincereness, "I am so sorry that you're not pregnant". It resonated in me that she truly meant this, it wasn't just words for her. I wonder, sometimes, if some of these female RE's have gone thru infertility themselves? Of course some of them have. I just wonder if any of the docs that I've met have. Dr. Generous has the compassion of a woman that has experienced this firsthand. I wonder...?

So, yes, I brought up my concerns about being overmedicated with lupron, undermedicated with progesterone, and she was fully on-board with trying my suggestions in the next cycle. In my core I feared that she'd fire us as Dr. Moustache had done, especially after I offered up my own SWAG (scientific wild ass guess) as to what we could do. But, no, she was happy to adjust my lupron down and switch me from the progesterone capsules to PIO in ethyl oleate.

She also asked how long we planned on trying before making other plans. It was a painfully honest question. How much more CAN we do this? The answer is: I'm really not sure. Our decision, now, is largely based on finances, so it'll depend on where things lay in three month's time. We are being placed on the embryo donation list. She said that "L" would call me to talk about what sort of races were acceptable to us. It felt so odd. My initial feeling was, "Gosh, someone is kind enough to offer me their embryos. How could race even be a factor?!" I'm pretty much color blind when it comes to this. Of course if we find the are literally swimming with a multitude of embryos, a veritable candy store of them, then sure, I'll be happy to be choosy. But gosh, I would just be so grateful to be the recipient of such a generous gift. Like I'm going to turn down an embryo because it doesn't look like me? Like us? Not a chance. Okay, that was one heck of a digression into embryo donation...back to the next cycle.

For now the plan is to finish this AF, and the next. The next will be the first "real bleed". After this, we wait one more AF, then for my LH surge. 11 days after the surge we'll add in antagon to stop my FSH levels dead in their tracks so that they won't induce a dominant follicle from starting. No BCPs or estrace for me. It simply doesn't work. When AF starts, once again, we'll start stims as we did in this cycle.

So we're about three months out from starting our next cycle and the timing feels right to me. 3 months is plenty of time for the enbrel to work it's magic but, you know, I might just stretch it to 4 months as I think that's what Dr. B might have suggested.

On the emotional side of things, I feel a bit deadened...like the only thing that is keeping me from really being sad about this failed cycle is that there is still hope that the next one might work. My manager asked me the other day, "When do you know it's time to quit? To give up?" I don't know how to answer that. I think IVF is like childbirth. In childbirth you have oxytocin and all those hormones that help you forget how f*cking painful childbirth was. What do we have in IVF to help us forget? There's nothing really, except the hope of the next cycle being "it", the cycle that works.

Isn't it amazing that hope can deaden so much of our pain?

WTF?

noreply@blogger.com (linda) — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 02:36:00 +0000

I've been off of my twice daily progesterone supps for 19 hours and AF just arrived?

WTF?

This has never happened before. Usually AF takes an entire week to show after a failed cycle. Or more. THEN she arrives. But nineteen hours?

I'm starting to wonder if I had enough progesterone to sustain anything?

I will never do another cycle without PIO. What were they thinking?

As Alexa so eloquently put it: Fuckity fuckity fuck!

11DP3DT - 16DP Trigger

noreply@blogger.com (linda) — Tue, 21 Aug 2007 22:05:00 +0000

As I suspected. Negative.

Beta < 2.0.

20 embryos over 1.5 years and nothing. Not a single BFP. My eggs are either rotten, or my body is one helluva lean mean embryo killing machine. I believe it's the latter. My CD3 FSH was 5.6 two months ago, and E2 was quite low, both indicative that egg quality hasn't yet taken a nosedive for the worse. (Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that this isn't 100% proven...but what the hell IS proven in ART? Not much, eh?)

Yesterday on the way to work, I stopped at my reproductive immunologist's office (Dr. S's) to do a blood draw. I already pretty much knew I wasn't pregnant, what with the row of glaring white HPTs stuck to my bathroom mirror. I'd already surmised that if I were to cycle again, it would be will full blown immune treatments. Dr. Hungarian's theories argue against using immune supressors, but you know, I really am starting to believe that my immune system is the problem. Besides, what's to say I can't combine immune treatments and antibiotics?

While at Dr. S's I asked his chief med tech person, "C", if I could get an r/x for enbrel, said I'd seen articles online that said that enbrel had been FDA approved for patients with plague psoriasis. She said she thought that it was only for patients with psoriatric arthritis but, no, I insisted that I'd seen articles that people like me were now able to use enbrel. (Enbrel and Humira are TNF-a inhibitors. Well, actually, they bind to receptor sites on TNF-a and this keeps TNF-a from necrotizing cells, and embryos). I have psoriasis (auto-immune), uterine natural killer cells, and I rarely get sick. J, on the other hand, is constantly sick. You think I'd at least catch something from him while he sneezes and coughs in bed next to me? Not a chance. I could eat off his place, him with a full blown cold, and I'd be fine.

So last night I emailed "C" the articles, my insurance company's preauthorization form, and asked her to get me set up on an embrel program. Dr. B, whose office Dr. S now runs, said that one needs to be on this stuff for 17.4 week in order to see maximal effects. Four months. That's exactly the time that it takes for effects to to be seen in eggs that are being pulled up for recruitment. J thinks that enbrel is a risk. The reports I've seen are controversial. Some say there are no side effects. Minimal sides effects. Some reports say that risks of malignancies and MS are elevated with enbrel and humira. What to believe?

J also feels, rather strongly, that I should go back to my hardcore diet regime (see the right nav bar for details on this). No coffee, no alcohol, no dairy, only organic meats, wheatgrass juice, little or no wheat, sugar, cold foods. No nightshades. (Great, I have a garden chock full of organic heirloom tomatoes just screaming for buffala mozarella and basil). Weekly acupuncture. Meditation. Keeping BMI low. He is convinced that my hardcore diet reproduced better results. My hardcore diet IS correlated to two IVF cycles with vastly better results, but I reminded him, "Yeah, but I was 41 when I did all of that. I'm 42 and a half right now and things change fast at my age. My god, do you realize you're asking me to go into the Christmas holidays alcohol free? Ugghhh!"

But by golly, if this man is going to stand next to me during another cycle with its associated lupron-induced fits, the least I can do is to give these embryos the very best. Even if my friends think I'm extreme.

So we're looking at December for our next cycle and tonight, just tonight, I will eat my organic heirloom nightshades covered in buffala and basil, and my last bottle of vintage port.

Onwards and sideways.

9DP3DT - 14DP Trigger

noreply@blogger.com (linda) — Sun, 19 Aug 2007 18:00:00 +0000

Beta is in two days and those POAS things are still serving up perfectly white backgrounds. I have them all taped up on the bathroom mirror, from left to right, and marked with how many days past transfer I am at. The embryos are 12 days old today, and as Thalia pointed out they may take 5 to 10 days to implant. We're presently outside this range and, yes, they could have implanted at day 10. Possible, but statistically most people are going to implant towards the middle of that curve. Thank you to Tonya for pointing out that her little boy was a beta of 15 on her official beta day. We don't hear enough stories like hers. I wish more women would post the "my beta as so low they didn't think we'd make it, but...." sort of story to offer up hope.

I'm sure it sounds like I'm obsessing over my results. But for me it is more of the anthropologist, data-collecting, part of me that sits down here and writes out what is happening each day. It's actually easier for me, psychologically, to test each day and see a negative POAS than it is to build hope for two weeks and see it all come crashing down at once. J and I were laying in bed this morning and I mentioned that I just didn't feel pregnant. He sighed and reached out and put a hand on me. I asked him if he remembered how utterly destroyed I felt after our first IVF failure. I literally sobbed on the phone when the nurse called with the "I'm sorry...." phone call.

I don't have any illusions at this point. If it's another failure, there will be tears, but no sobbing. There's a huge loss of innocence with that first failure that an IF just can't fathom til she's been through it. Everyone thinks they'll get pregnant the first time. There's a bit of that naiveness in some of the subsequent cycles. A bit of hope dies with each loss such that each failure gets easier and easier. We IF tend to get a bit jaded after this many attempts and failures.

7DP3DT - 12DP Trigger

noreply@blogger.com (linda) — Sat, 18 Aug 2007 00:57:00 +0000

Another day, another POAS. Still nothing.

Okay Thalia. I hear you. It's early to be testing, but really, it's not that early. That is, if the BetaBase's values are to be trusted. More on this entertaining line of thought in just a second.

The BetaBase asks women who've had successful pregnancies (success means a heart beat was detected) to enter in their beta values for the number of days past ovulation that they tested at. It further breaks down data for singleton and multiple pregnancies. The problem with this data is that unless you're doing a medicated cycle with a trigger, you can't know the "exact day" you ovulate. You can get pretty damned close with BBT and LH pee sticks, but it's not totally precise.

On the BetaBase, days past ovulation is considered to be equal to the day of egg retrieval. In an IVF retrieval, a patient injects HCG and has her eggs aspirated 36 hours later. At 38 to 40 hours the follicles would naturally erupt. Hence, chemically induced ovulation. So since I retrieved last Tuesday, today being Friday puts me at 10 days past ovulation, or retrieval as it would be in my case.

Now looking at the BetaBase, and realizing that the data may be dubious, the first entry is for day 10. Here, let me just recreate the table here:

Beta Scores for Successful* Single Pregnancies

Days Past Ovulation	Median HCG Level	Lowest HCG Level Reported	Highest HCG Level Reported	Number of women reporting a number for this day
10	12	3	103	78
11	27	2	152	332
12	47	2	208	735
13	77	4	575	1248
14	117	3	2088	2039
15	166	3	2088	2499
16	247	5	2744	2703
17	366	5	4591	2749
18	541	7	6234	2643
19	786	16	6164	2479
20	1131	41	10000	2259
21	1632	41	16224	2005
22	2223	58	19861	1707
23	3166	17	22500	1497
24	4417	144	28000	1289
25	5791	218	36984	1084
26	7308	290	36924	917
27	9193	351	41625	762
28	11886	429	53812	659
29	14687	440	73973	551
30	17461	539	131472	467

The first line is where we're at today. The median HCG level for today is 12. Half of the women's data falls below 12 and the other half above 12. I'll agree that today's too early to be distraught. But yesterday after I'd posted about how white that pee stick looked, I went back and took a second look and it actually looked a bit better than the previous day's. I had hope for a few hours yesterday that today I'd see an even darker line. No such luck.

Here's the breakdown of HCG levels for today:

Day 10* -- 211 Single Pregnancies Recorded
Beta range (Number of Pregnancies in this range)
4 - 6 (11) <---I am here
6 - 10 (15) <---Or here
10 - 16 (30) <---Or here
16 - 26 (45) <---Or here. Anything else would test positive.
26 - 43 (53)
43 - 69 (31)
69 - 112 (13)
112 - 180 (6)
180 - 290 (4)
290 - 467 (0)
467 - 752 (2)
752 - 1210 (1)

Very interestingly...they say the "median beta" for day 10 is a value of 12. But looking at the data for day 10 you realize that it would be IMPOSSIBLE for 12 to be the median given the data. Their computations are simply incorrect. The beta median for today would be more along the lines of 26. So it's actually worse than I thought. Unless, of course, they're just serving up bad data all around. Possible. Entirely possible.

I'll keep retesting each morning as usual, as per Dr. B's recommendations. I'm sure I'll be quite mad by Tuesday.

6DP3DT - 11DP Trigger

noreply@blogger.com (linda) — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 22:13:00 +0000

I've never seen a POAS look so negative before.

That white background is blinding.

First official beta is in 5 days, on the 21st. I already feel hopeless. I should stay away from places like the Beta Base.

F*cking data.

5DP3DT - 10DP Trigger

noreply@blogger.com (linda) — Thu, 16 Aug 2007 05:55:00 +0000

I fear that my progesterone is f*cking with me. I've had some interesting cramps over the last few days. They seem to be of three types:

Sharp cramps that feel like my ovaries have cysts. I know that the good RE that aspirated my follicles did extra duty on the right side as it had twice as many follicles, but they're still aching.
Cramps that feel like AF is imminent.
And cramps that are sharp and feel like they're either originating from the cervical area or higher.

It's the latter two that have peaked my interest. But I know that progesterone, like lupron, is evil and will make me feel other than I should.

Must.Ignore.The.Cramps.

4DP3DT - 9DP TriggerOn Working Again

noreply@blogger.com (linda) — Wed, 15 Aug 2007 06:48:00 +0000

Yesterday and today I worked from home thinking that a few days at home could do me some good during this dreaded 2WW. Amazingly I got lots of work done these past two days, more than I would have ever thought possible. So much that my manager should be pleased. I hope she is at least. I've sometimes found it difficult to work from home, what with my mother ignoring the fact that I have a laptop on my lap, a phone in my ear, and a pen in hand. To her, those aren't clear indicators that "someone is working". Instead, she'll say, "Oh, Linda, what do you think of this house here?" as she starts to stuff the back page of the local newspaper in my face whilst looking impatient. I shoo her off with the hand holding the pencil, point to the phone to the laptop, and she storms off, rolling her eyes and guffawing under her breath.

This is how it always is. This is one of the big reasons I recently leapt at the chance to re-enter the workforce. I simply couldn't work here. I couldn't get anything done. I told mom and J on a few occasion, "I cannot wait till I get a job again. I'll leave early in the morning. Eat lunch at work. I don't know what you two will do for lunch but I won't have to cook it. I'll work late into the evening. I'll get things done. I'll come home exhausted and too tired to cook you two dinner. We'll be forced to eat out because I won't be able to do it. Ah, I am looking forward to that. Those will be the days."

Sounds sick, eh? But I became so frustrated trying to work at home at my own business, that I tossed it all aside (temporarily) so that I could escape to a cube.

And it has been sheer bliss.

I can't tell you how much I look forward to going to the office, sitting in my cube, working, being productive. Without interruptions. And I get paid for this to boot. It's lovely I tell you. I must sound sick in the head to those of you that have done this day in and day out for years on end. I've been a contractor since late 2001, so I've been on my own for six years. I've missed the camaraderie of office life. Of having a routine. Of being paid on a weekly basis. I'm actually in heaven.

Okay...and on the IVF front...things still ain't moving, my cramps are gone for the most part (boohoo), and the POAS this morning was totally negative. I think there was an evaporation line but that was about it.

And get this: I had the insane idea today to download every claim we've had since we started this IVF business and you know what I found? We've spent a shitload of money trying to get me pregnant. It's not even funny how much we've blown. I think we could have paid cash for a high-end SUV at this point...along the lines of an H2 or H3 if my calculations are right. The number I saw at the bottom of my spreadsheet made me ill. However, it paled in comparison to the total dollar figure of "claims" by ourselves and our physicians since February 2006, a mere 18 months: $135,000. Of course this wasn't the amount actually paid out to them but what everyone BILLED. Holy shit. I thank the insurance gods that we weren't liable for anything close to that figure.

I told "J" today that I am not going to destroy us financially that this cycle was the last cycle we were paying for. If we are to cycle again, it'll be because we have IVF coverage or because we just won the lottery.

All I can say is that the cash cow is hemorrhaging money and it's time to put her out of her misery.

3DP3DT - 8DP TriggerThings Ain't Moving

noreply@blogger.com (linda) — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 21:53:00 +0000

Today's post is brought to you by the folks over at K-TMI (or W-TMI for those of you east of the big river).

One thing that is seldom mentioned in IVF circles is the delicate situation where, you are just past transfer and you get hit with a bout of (ahem!) irregularity. Seriously folks. This has happened on more than one IVF cycle for me and in each case I've been frightened to death of squishing, ejecting, or otherwise maiming my embryos whilst attempting to effect a movement.

My diet is often impeccable, more fiber on a daily basis than some people eat in a week, plenty of fluids, exercise. No, I just don't understand why I get hit with this in an IVF cycle.

Is this just an example of a lesser known side effect of progesterone or my vivelle patches? Does this happen to anyone else? And the question that's on my mind is, "Do embryos really survive bouts of this nature?"

Please tell me I haven't decreased their survival rate by, umm, well, staying in the trenches till the deed was done.

And...today's POAS showed the HCG is just about gone. Yay.